The State of Our Union [And the fight to keep it]
A marriage podcast designed to encourage reconnection, through open dialogue about the topics that challenges most marriages.
The State of Our Union [And the fight to keep it]
Choosing Marriage Through Every Season | Elissa Williams
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Married over twenty years, a high school sweetheart, an autoimmune disease, roommates, infertility, and a surprise baby at 42 - Elissa Williams has lived the kind of marriage story that forces couples to choose each other over and over again. If you're in the first years of marriage, carrying silent resentment, or wondering how to keep your relationship intact when life gets messy, this conversation will hit home fast. Plus, Elissa shares one piece of advice she wishes she had known before marriage, and that one change you can make to protect your relationship in ways you may not realize before it’s too late.
Connect with Elissa:
http://www.instagram.com/lissa927
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Thanks for tuning in! If today’s EP resonated with you, subscribe, like, and share it with someone who needs it. Connect with me on all platforms @karenwillcoach - and if you are ready to go deeper, join the community and continue the conversation inside my Facebook group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/loveandconflict" Until next time, let’s continue to fight for our union.
Hello once again and welcome to another episode of The State of Our Union and the Fight to Keep It. I am your host, Karen Williams, and I am a relationship coach, author, speaker, and uh been married for 34 years this year. I know it, those decades went by so quickly. I'm here local, Las Vegas. So if you're listening from around the country or anywhere in the world, and this is your first time, hey, this podcast is aimed for that one young lady, this season anyway, that one young lady who's struggling in that first couple of years of marriage, and think, hey, I am the only one that's dealing with whatever this is. Well, my guest today is Lissa Williams, and she is gonna be talking about um, you know, just some of those uh struggles that uh her marriage faced, how she got over those things, how she navigated them with her husband. Um her story is remarkable. I cannot wait to get into that conversation with her. So I'm gonna talk, um, you know, just hand it over to Alyssa really quickly. And so she's gonna introduce herself to you and we're gonna get started. Alyssa, welcome to the State of Our Union. Thank you for joining me.
SPEAKER_01Thanks for having me, Karen. So just a little history. Um, I've been married for 21 years. I met my husband when I was 16 years old. He was 15, so I'm a little bit older. Uh, we met at church. We dated for seven years. Two and a half of those seven years, we did a long-distance relationship. That was very hard. Um, I was pursuing my bachelor's degree, and he was following his uh music career down in California, and we got married in 2005 and started our lives together. We just celebrated 21 years of marriage, and what's interesting is that we have a one-year-old baby.
SPEAKER_00So that's that's the best part of the story. I I know we were gonna share a little bit about that, but yeah, that is exciting to to talk about. So when you say, when you say, hey, we've been we met in high school, what uh what did that what did that look like? Because it's like, yeah, there's a lot of people that's have that's married to their uh high school sweetheart, and it it didn't last. How did you make a high school relationship last to now 21 years?
SPEAKER_01So we I just made sure, well, we both made sure that we grew up together and not apart.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_01The funny thing is I went through his voice change and acne with him. Um when I met him, I I felt like he had a lot of potential. And um we just made things work. What's interesting is we went through a lot of struggles in the beginning of our marriage to the point where I told him to leave me because we dealt with um me being uh sick with an autoimmune disease and he was having to be a caretaker. So um what's interesting is sometimes when you go through struggles in the beginning of your marriage, it sets you up for longevity because if you deal with the hard stuff in the beginning, sickness or in health, yeah, um, it it sets you up and uh it brought us closer together and we had financial struggles because of it. Yeah, but uh we are on the other side of that and we're just loving life right now.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I forgot about that. Um, so for you know, again, um Alyssa, of course, is not a stranger. She and I work together um as flight attendants, you know, so I am a little um familiar with her story, and I completely forgot about the um the autoimmune disease. So the the thing is I had a um I had another couple on on the show uh probably well it that was in last uh that was last season. And they were at the time, at the time of our conversation, they were married 25 years. And I think it was within six months of marriage, she had an aneurysm. And that conversation about how you show up for for your partner in those moments, that was, you know, he said, yeah, the the the husband in her case, uh our similar situation here where he had to be the one caring for her. And one of the things I remember him saying is, you know, that sickness and in-health thing, I didn't know it was gonna, I didn't know it was gonna be that quick. You know. So if you, you know, you again always share as little or as much as you like about that season and what did what was some of the uh what was some of the strengths that you were able to tap into and what you saw or how you saw uh your husband Tyler evolve in those moments or in that season.
SPEAKER_01So I was in a lot of pain for my autoimmune disease. And so what my morning typically looked like was um I had my own business at the time. I would get up and I would um Tyler would help me get into the bath and um I would be in the bath for about an hour and he would leave and line up his um co-workers and come back and help me get dressed. I was so sick that um he had comb my hair, helped me get dressed, and helped me get out the door, and I I didn't really feel normal until uh I was until about eleven o'clock in the morning. So we were supposed to go home for Christmas because we had moved away from our families right in the beginning of our marriage. And he told me that I was gonna go to work and uh he was gonna quit that I was gonna quit my job and that we were gonna go home for Christmas and I would not be coming back. Uh we had made plans to move to Las Vegas at that time. So he was gonna come back to Las Vegas after Christmas, pack up everything, and move us to Las Vegas. He didn't want me to take on that stress and he um he wanted me to just um work on getting better, wellness, working out, diet, and I was really upset about it. I'm like, you can't tell me what to do, and you can't give me back. You promised sick, you promised in sickness and in health. Right. And what you you can't give me back to my parents. Like, you cannot tell me what to do. I'm not gonna quit my job. He said, Yes, you are. I'm your husband and you're gonna listen to me. And he's all, and I'm giving you what you want. I'm like, what do you mean what I want? Yeah. He said, at night you cry in your sleep and you cry out, Mama, I want my mama. And I had no idea I was doing that. And he said, you know, that was that really um hurt my feelings at first because I was taking care of you. And I was your husband, I was doing the best I can, but yet you were still calling out for your mama and your sleep. And so I just felt like I um I was gonna give you what you wanted. So he had called my family and his family and was honest about how sick I was.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And I I didn't realize I was that sick because it was my normal to be in that much pain. And he's like, It's not normal for you to be 25 years old and and be this sick. Like, there's gotta be something we can do. And so he sent me home. I actually wrote a medical grant and was able to get on the medication that I needed. I went and worked out with all of the old ladies at Aqua Aerobics and uh did strength training, weightlifting every night, and my health improved so much in um just two months. Yeah. So I was in Alaska with both of our families and uh I I got better and moved to Las V like I met him in uh where we were living, and then we we drove to Las Vegas together w with another married couple.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_01We we moved to Las Vegas and uh I was able to find a really good doctor here. And we started our life in Las Vegas. We've been here for 18 years now. So you know, the at the beginning of our marriage, it was a big struggle because I was sick and he gave me back. But looking back, uh I needed an intervention and it it really changed the trajectory of my health and life and uh brought us closer together because he knew that he needed to be unselfish and we needed help. And it's okay to ask for help.
SPEAKER_00Yes, absolutely. I uh I mean your story is of of course is amazing to me because you know when we're talking about marriage, we know that when two people come together and decide that they are going to uh merge their lives, that comes with its own struggles. We already we we know that that that is um you know that is a uh what is a continuously work in progress, a continual work in progress for every married couple, I believe. Um so that has its own struggles, and then you throw that um you know sickness and and and health into the dynamic and moving away from family of origin and you know trying to get new jobs and all of those things. So any one of those struggles can show up and say, okay, this is it, my marriage is over. But I love how you stood your ground and said, no, dude, you can't give me back. There's no return. There's no return policy here. There's no return policy here. However, um, I think we underestimate the the um the importance of the support we get from family of origin. You know, I don't think we, you know, especially in this country, I don't think we tap into that as much as we should because we get married and we just like, okay, let me go start my life, you know, and we leave family behind. But we see how that, you know, how they showed up and and um, you know, gave you that support that you guys needed in that moment. Um and so as as you are getting better, you know, your you know, life is getting better because what? You you feel better. So things, you know, your outlook on everything's starting to look better. And then you get to a point where you said, okay, let's move to Las Vegas, and then you move here with other people. So what did that look like? Because now, you know, again, you're getting better. So you get into a new, you know, that new uh, what is it, that new dynamic or a new place in your marriage or new season. And then you guys decide to partner with two other people. So talk a little bit about that. What did that look like? What how did you guys navigate that season?
SPEAKER_01Well, we moved down here for music. We did not have jobs lined up. And um, my husband was joining a band, and because he invested in me and took care of me and helped me get better. I wanted to, I I kind of felt like I wanted to give back to him. Like he wanted to pursue his dream and we didn't have a lot of money, and I'm like, I don't understand what what the difference of you know staying in Washington and having no money and moving to Las Vegas with no money. It's just, you know, there at least there's better weather. So we moved to Las Vegas, and because I was feeling so well, I um I got three jobs and supported him uh following his music career. Um, the other married couple that came with us, he was also a musician, so he was in the band too.
SPEAKER_05Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_01And um we decided to all move together because we didn't have money and had a place to arrive and we lived together in a two-bedroom apartment. And it was interesting because you know, when when you have roommates, their standard of clean is a lot different than your standard of clean. And um what they like to spend their money on might be different than what you like to spend your money on.
SPEAKER_05Right.
SPEAKER_01Um one of the things that I guess bugged me the most was um they would never buy household cleaners. They would use ours. And that is not fun spending your money, you know, when you're starting out, and my you don't want to buy paper towels and toilet paper and you know, Windex and toilet bowl cleaner. Like, I don't want to spend my money on that. And and and they were using it. Yeah. Um and yeah, they lived with us for two years. And it was an interesting dynamic, but it really it helped us financially. Honestly, they are the only roommates we had that paid rent. I've had multiple roommates um over the season of our marriage.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Um, so it it did help us financially get us set up for um moving to a new place. And, you know, we had living friends, despite them using my cleaners, we were still friends. Um and eventually they ended up moving to North Carolina to be by their family.
SPEAKER_00But their family of origin, yeah. Okay.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Um, and so even though, you know, we were saying earlier how even just any any married couple that come together and say, all right, let we're gonna do life together, that again, that has its own challenges. But now, okay, so we've moved past the, you know, you're getting well, your body's feeling better, and then, you know, there's this, there's new people living in your space. And we know that whether it's friends, family, or whoever, um, that can impede on how you're at the pace at which your marriage is growing. And so as you're getting to know each other as husband and wife, you don't have, you know, whether it's your privacy or just being in that space, just creating that home for for each other, that can be challenging. So what were some of the what were some of the effects that this roommate situation had on your marriage? And I'm sure that kind of invoke a lot of hard conversations. So what what did that look like?
SPEAKER_01So it definitely um it's it's hard to have intimacy when your husband is hanging out with his buddy out in the living room. You know, that part.
SPEAKER_00And so no, okay, so not that it's about that part is hard as it is, obviously. But then here's the here's the um, how do how did you uh how were you able to voice your needs and say, hey, this is what I need in this season, this is what I want instead of because I know a lot of us would be walking around like, you know, I'm just resentful right now. Don't ask me why, but this is what I'm feeling, you know. So how did you voice your needs in that moment or in those seasons?
SPEAKER_01Um, I mean, I just communicated like, hey, I I feel like we're not getting enough time together. You're always out there hanging out. Um, I'd really like to spend more time together without them. Like, can we hang out in our room? Can we, you know, go on dates? Um Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Because it's the thing is, you know, um, and Alyssa, I think you're you're you're probably more um, you know, more outgoing as far as that is, you know, I I've as long as I've known you, you never had an issue saying what you need or voicing your opinions, you know, and that's one of the things I really do love about you. I never have to one wonder what you think or, you know, where are you at about anything. And so even um the, you know, when you think about most, most uh in the work that I do, most couples that I have a conversation with, you know, a lot of times, young, especially young wives, they're they have no idea how to tell their husbands, these are the things that I need right now. You know, some lack the language, some lack the the um, you know, whatever that uh emotional intelligence that's necessary to have those hard conversations. And I know that because I was an expert at it. You know, I, you know, like the first few years of of our marriage, I didn't know how to tell Rob some of the things that I needed or some of the things that I wanted. Um not only I couldn't even, I couldn't voice him, not that the needs went away, but I I just I didn't want him to, I fear the rejection, I feared the the um, you know, making him mad. And you know, the the thing is those feelings don't go away. Yeah, you know what I mean? They don't go anywhere. That my needs were still what they were. And it used to be the center of a lot of our contention. So I was mad about, I was mad at him for not doing dishes, but at the center of it, I was resentful about other things, you know what I mean? And so I want to speak to that young lady right now that maybe having that hard time, you know, uh saying what they need, being able to uh voice their opinions instead of walking around with that resentment, sit down, have the conversation and communicate. So what were some what's what are some of the tips that you would share of how to have those hard conversations with your spouse? Hey, this is what I need, this is when I need it.
SPEAKER_01So I think the best thing to do is just be honest and communicate it. And even if it means that you are gonna face some rejection, yeah, because you gotta mean you gotta mean what you say.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And you gotta follow through. And sometimes it can be detrimental to you, but if you wanna establish boundaries and communicate your needs, you have to be willing to take the risk. Otherwise, things aren't gonna get better, and you have to be intentional. Like you can't blame everything on him. Like, what what are you doing to make the marriage better or worse? Like it in that specific time, like I said earlier, I got three jobs to just kind of payback him on uh on pursuing his musical career because he helped me so much. And so where I was wrong is that I was working too much. So it was both of our faults and we had to come together and talk about it and and be intentional with our time and honest on how we were treating each other. There were times where I wasn't very nice to him because I was tired.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And you know, somebody doesn't want to hang out with somebody that's not nice to them.
SPEAKER_00True.
SPEAKER_01So I was at fault. I was at fault too. And so I had to look at myself and and and say, How can I be a better wife? Um and that's not the solution. You both have to do your part, right? But you have to be honest and be willing to take the risk of of rejection. And um there was there was a time, another roommate situation which was very um interesting. Um let me give you just a little bit of history. So it was my husband's childhood best friend. And when he was when he was eight years old, his best friend got cancer and he um got better and so they were kind of trauma bonded. Well, fast forward, his wife left him and he called us, and uh what was gonna be a weekend in Las Vegas turned into a year and a half living with us rent-free. And he he was hurting because his his childhood, I'm sorry, his high school sweetheart, his wife, just didn't communicate anything, just left him, and um she she moved out of state and he had to go look for her. But um but what had happened is he moved in when we thought it was just gonna be a weekend and you know he had his buddy in the in the living room so again that affected our intimacy but I felt like I was the bad guy because you know it's his best friend or trauma bonded we're helping him out he's in a lot of pain but I got to the point where I'm like my needs are not being met and this was supposed to be a weekend. Yeah now he's been here for a very long time and I really need him to move out. Yeah yeah so there's there's no even there's not even any there's no easy way to say that you just have to say those those other words so I'm unfortunately I had to give him an ultimatum and what was hard for me is that I had to mean what I what I say. And I honestly felt like he was going to tell me that I had to move out and I had to accept that that might be the case that this might be the end of our marriage and I might have to move out and he's gonna live with his buddy because they're having fun and I'm the bad guy. So um obviously he picked me but it was it was really hard to communicate my needs and I was just getting more and more mad. And uh we came out on the other side but going back to the original question you have to be willing to communicate your needs even if there's a risk involved and you have to mean what you say and you have to look in the mirror and say what what am I doing wrong in this situation and how can I be better?
SPEAKER_00Wow yeah because wow okay you can that's the formula follow through for starters mean what you say actually have the conversation because there are there are going to be risks so you have to mean what you're saying and being being intentional. You know so when we're talking about being intentional we're we're you know we're saying hey we have to actually um choose each other in those moments so you know Tyler had to make that decision that hey I'm I am choosing my wife in this in this season and you not walking around with resentment saying hey I am choosing my marriage and choosing Tyler in this moment as well um and the the thing is a lot of times we don't have um we don't have that conversation prior to getting married about what it would look like if family of origin uh friends siblings and all of that if they decide that they need to live with us for a short period of time what would that look like what would that roommate situation look like um and we we we have this obligation to you know to our family and to a certain extent I think we we should we should care for each other but there have to be boundaries around that situation because that can tear a marriage apart in a minute you know I mean that's as bested from eight years old what you know so you know when you when we when we say um hey you you came for you came for a weekend a year and a half is a long weekend that's a long weekend you know and if you know if he's listening to this podcast dude we're not bashing you we get we get it that you know during that season of hurt and pain you do need that support but um at the same time we have to make those decisions and establish those boundaries where our marriage is not at risk. So kudos to you for standing up for your relationship and you know doing the hard thing. The follow through is is something that I'll kind of want to um go back to as well because one of the dangers of um one of the dangers of in marriage I think is when we make those um we say things we say things we really don't mean they become threatening um knowing that we're not gonna follow through so it's almost like you we there's that risk that we do have to take to say the things we need to say but on the flip side of that we can't just say frivolous things either you know people that make threats to say you know if you don't do this then we're you know then I'm out of here or that kind of thing.
SPEAKER_01Because I think the position as married people we have to take is um instead of I am leaving if this doesn't change we need to flip that and say hey I am staying so this has to change yeah you know what I mean absolutely and so we Yeah I don't I don't recommend ultimate I don't recommend ultimatums like I hated doing that and it was because I knew I had to follow through. Yeah yeah yeah wow that is I I like how you I like how you reworded that I'm staying so we can we can be together and this is what needs to change I like that mindset.
SPEAKER_00Our um our pastor at at church said that a few it was a few months ago we um we're doing in the middle of a series and I'll never forget that that statement and I don't even know if he was quoting somebody but I once he said that it just resonated so well that I said man that you can implement that in our um in our marriage relationships or any relationship that we value you know instead of throwing the relationship away because what tends to happen is instead of staying and working on things we're like okay I'm out of here because my happiness means this much to me instead of relationships they are emotionally expensive. There are risks involved when we decide that we are going to marry this person we're you know we're gonna share our lives together and so instead of saying um you know in instead of just you know just checking the whole relationship what are some of the emotional investments that I'm willing to make you know what are some of the risks that I'm willing to take and what does intentionality look like at the end of the day? How am I gonna choose my partner every single day? Because that's a decision every day.
SPEAKER_01Well and sometimes you have to kind of outsmart your partner and take the temptation away so what's interesting is after that whole roommate situation we moved into a new apartment and this new apartment was two bedroom but the main uh the master bedroom was a loft bedroom. So we could have guests come to stay short term but we could not have roommates because if we had roommates in that apartment there would not be intimacy because if they were watching TV they would hear us and when we when we moved there one of his friends helped us move in and said hey I'm having a hard time can I move it can I can I live with you guys for a little bit and I said well you're going to have to talk to my husband and so I had the conversation with Tyler and he says well why do I have to tell him no I said because if I tell him no he'll continue to ask but if you tell him no he'll never ask again and he's we're sitting on the couch and he's looking up at our new loft bedroom and he says well if we have a roommate then we're never going to be able to have sex again.
SPEAKER_00I said oh are you just noticing that right now I'm like honey I had to remove the temptation I needed some time with you alone I love helping people but I needed some time with you alone and I needed it to cost you something so he told his friend no the very next day love it oh my god he's like wait a minute let me let wait a second let me look let me let me look at the situation for what it is he's like I was wondering why you really wanted to move into this apartment I'm like yeah because I saw that we couldn't have roommate in this situation oh my gosh wow that see listen listen the the the amount of um you know what I said the emotional intelligence that was necessary for that the the the calculated because listen Alyssa was like um we're not doing this this is not what we're doing here and then once you once he saw how it would affect him and and it's not even we're we're not trying to say what we're this is not manipulation this is just these are the facts and this is how we're presenting them you know and this is how it's gonna work for us. So you decide you get to decide what where they uh where our intimacy lies on this checklist here.
SPEAKER_01Well and I think it made it easy for his friend once he know like brought it up like hey dude I don't want you to hear us you know having fun so no you can't live with us and he's like oh yeah I guess that makes sense you know yep so no it wasn't manipulation it was just sometimes you have to help your partner yes by removing the temptation that's what I did I removed the temptation he has a really hard time saying no and he loves to help people I love to help people too but he would give them the shirt off his back so I just removed the temptation and it made it easier for him to say no.
SPEAKER_00Yeah yeah I love it oh my gosh I and you know as I'm as you're telling your story you know up to this point um at any point you know from the time you got married till this point where you're telling that that uh uh prospective roommate no any one of those things could be uh grounds to say you know what I'm not dealing with this I you know the fact that you even want to have somebody come live with us that's the end of that we're over we're done you know and so what I want uh what I want that young lady that's listening right now because even if it's one person that this podcast gets to our mission is accomplished you know so that one young lady that's sitting in the corner right now she's tired of her husband constantly um you know giving money to to other people or taking the shirt off his back whether literally or figuratively you know um constantly having somebody living with them or you know just constantly putting their or sacrificing their marriage for others that one young lady that's experiencing that right now that's thinking you know what I am done what would you say to them what would what is that uh piece of advice that you would drop in their lap right now to I kind of have an idea what you're gonna say but I'll let you say it so I think it it the easy the easy route is to complain and manipulate but what I did in this case is I tried to encourage my husband because he he wants to help people and that's a really good quality to have you want to marry a good person.
SPEAKER_01Yeah you marry a good guy so what I said to him is honey you can't rob Peter to pay Paul. Let's get our house in order let's let's get our finances in order and then let's have that extra money that we can designate to help people to give to people and not you know tell them that they're borrowing the money we just give it to them as a gift yeah and not expect anything back. I'm like let's get there let's uh let's get our house in order yeah so we can help people you can't help people when when you're starving right right so what what I did and and it worked was to encourage him instead of complain to him and say hey I see your heart I love your heart let's get to a place where we can and it doesn't hurt us and it doesn't make me mad because I want to do it too.
SPEAKER_00I love this about you I want to I want to be at this part uh with you let's get there let's let's let's help people but let's get our house in order yeah that's so good to me because um in that moment what I you know from a coaching perspective what I'm hearing you say is you sat down with your husband and reminded him of the vision that you guys have. You remind them of what you guys signed on to do is to create this life together and we're not able to do it right now because of this, this, this, and this. And then to step in and protect his heart in that moment, not make him feel like a horrible person for being helpful, you know, because you don't want that good part of him to change. You don't want that characteristic to go anywhere. But you were able as his wife and I love this to nurture that part of him you know instead of coming you know gosh coming up and just cutting that side of him out and say okay no I need you to myself you know because I think that the the great qualities that our spouse have, you know, that we see them extend to other people, if we are nurturing those gifts and those characteristics, then our marriage benefit from those as well you know so I I think that was I think that was genius.
SPEAKER_01Well and moving forward we we were able to get our house in order and we've been able to help a lot of people and I've seen the blessing come back. Yeah you know yeah like I've seen it come back like tenfold and I you know we we've gone through many seasons in life where we've had no money and then had a lot of money. Yeah and then now now with the baby we're not doing childcare and so we are we are living on a really tight budget. So we've been there. Yeah having no no money having tons of money and being having lots of fun to being responsible again.
SPEAKER_00Yeah so and it's it's just so it's that that's another thing um that I think a lot of um people in general miss you know because if you're a believer you already know that everything that we do is a seed and so when we plant that seed the work that we do the things we do to others it comes back to us multiple folds you know that's the harvest and one of your you guys's biggest harvests is Harper Rose and I want you to talk I want you to talk about that a little bit because here you guys are married 21 years and you have a one year old.
SPEAKER_01So please share that part of you guys' journey so we couldn't try to get pregnant until I was 29. So at that point we had been married for seven years because I was on a medication that you were required to take birth control with because it would cause birth defects. So I we couldn't try until I was 29 and we tried for a very long time and I never got pregnant. And so by the time I was 34 it had been five years we went to two different fertility clinics and we had um one doctor tell us that we had less than 10% chance of having a successful pregnancy with IVF and he gave us a quote for just egg retrieval for $18,000. I still have that estimate and what was really interesting and I really really appreciate this doctor because he could have taken our money and um we would have been without a child because we had less than 10% chance. He said what you guys need to decide is do you want to pass on your genes or do you want to pass on your legacy or your values. Do you want to pass on your genes or do you want to pass on your values? Because you don't have to have a child to do that. You can do that by investing in other people and loving the people that are already in your life. And so at that point we looked at each other and we're like you know we don't have the best genes so maybe maybe we should work on just passing on our values. And so what we committed to was uh loving each other, loving other people and um getting healthy. You know, exercising diet and so that was um in 2014 I believe. And so we just live life and people would always ask us and you know sometimes make really hurtful comments like why don't you have kids and um we just would tell them hey we love our lives we love each other we don't have a bad life if we have children amazing. If we don't then God has a different plan for us.
SPEAKER_03Yes.
SPEAKER_01And we're just gonna, you know, be along for the ride and try to you know follow what he wants us to do. So what's interesting is we decided to start traveling internationally. Um I'm a flight attendant so I wanted to use my benefits so we started traveling internationally. Uh we started with uh the UK so we went to the Platinum Jubilee um in 2022, then we went to Scotland in twenty three and then in twenty twenty four we went to Ireland. Yeah and what was interesting is when we came back I found out I was pregnant and I was forty two years old at that point. So I was very surprised I um when I took the pregnancy test I started crying because I'm like wow I guess God didn't want me to miss out on this experience.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_01So um and i at that point it was a miracle because we had been trying for thirteen years. It's like if you try to get pregnant for a year that's that's considered you know having issues with fertility. Yeah but thir thirteen years of trying and then I finally got pregnant I just I couldn't believe it. And you know what I felt like what I felt God was saying or the universe whatever you guys believe in, um he was I felt like it he was saying that he's gonna he's gonna finish what he started. And I felt like this was a miracle.
SPEAKER_00Yes.
SPEAKER_01Because and you know when you get pregnant and you're older you you're scared of you know genetic problems and and I didn't do the genetic testing because I'm like you know what I'm gonna believe that if God wants me to have this child he's gonna take care of it. And I actually had an amazing pregnancy despite my autoimmune disease and um and she's here and we love her so much and she's perfect. Yes and I feel like I feel like I feel like she brought us closer together although we've had our struggles like we're having to like reframe our lives and be more intentional with our time. We had no idea how much time we had and and we're thankful for that time because we did so many fun things and had so many fun chapters.
SPEAKER_05Yes.
SPEAKER_01And now we're just um enjoying being parents and it's it's it's really interesting. It's like you have this plan in your mind like by this time I'm gonna be married and by this time we're gonna have kids and by this time we're gonna own a house. And it's funny because when you make a plan God laughs at you and he changes it. So but you know what timing is everything and I'm I'm so thankful that um we got to grow up together and we both needed it not just my husband we both needed it and um I feel like we're doing really good at being amazing parents and we're just loving it.
SPEAKER_00Yes I I agree about the the the amazing parent thing for sure. Ed Harper Rose is perfect. Oh my gosh. I i you know, the the the thing was I I remember sharing in that joy with you because it was probably I think you guys shared probably at um was it three months, three or four months when you guys finally shared?
SPEAKER_01I waited until I was 15 weeks pregnant to share because I didn't want to break anybody's heart because I had never been pregnant. So I had no idea, I had no idea if it was, you know.
SPEAKER_05Right.
SPEAKER_01I mean, I was trust I was trusting God, but at the same time I I did have a little bit of fear because it I'd never been pregnant before and I'm 42 and I'm like everybody's been asking us and wanting us for so long, you know, you guys will be great parents. We're like, well, we know that, but you know I'm like, I know. And you know what? So many people were so thankful that we waited so long to tell them because you know, that first 12 weeks, you know, you you don't know. And so so to say I was 15 weeks pregnant, they're like, oh wow, okay.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah, because when we found out and you and you gave the due date, I was like, they've been pregnant for a while. You know, so that was oh my gosh, we we were so elated when we when we got the news because um we know for one, I didn't even know you were trying anymore, you know, which technically you kind of was, kind of wasn't, you know, it was having what to say, we were just having fun, but um, you know, just um we have couples, uh, especially young couples that um are so hyper-focused on having um having a baby or having kids. And then when that doesn't happen, that can become such an obstacle to you know how they, you know, they pursue um the rest of their marriage. And so when you're when you're talking about um trying for 13 years and decide, okay, you know what, we're we're good, you know, um, and then having such a um, you know, such an a you know fully aware doctor to say, hey, what is it that you guys really want? And and pretty much kind of jolted you guys in that moment to say, take a look at the reason you really do want to have a child, you know, because how many people actually do that? How many people actually sit down and say, okay, well, let me see why I really want kids? No, you get married, you have kids, you buy a house. That's that's isn't that how this is supposed to work. And so, like you said, when that doesn't go the way you want it to go, then what? So it's so important that you that our marriages are built on on um on platforms that are not things that you can see, things that you can feel and touch. It has to be built on such a uh firm foundation of of um what I call unseen things, you know, thing, you know, the the values, the legacy that you want to leave behind, the the um, you know, things like integrity and and goodness and a relationship with God and his, you know, his word being that foundation by which we live. You know, and I know that's I I just said a mouthful, but when um, you know, when you're when marriage uh I mean when when having a baby becomes the the only thing that you start going after and it doesn't happen, it's like okay, you look at your spouse, like, okay, what now? What do we do now? And so it goes back to hey, our marriage has to be built on so much more than what we can see, because the things that we can see are temporary, but the things that we can't see, that's what's eternal. That's what, you know, to me, I always say that's the things you can take to heaven with you. You know, that's the only thing that lasts, uh, lasts forever. So the key takeaway there from your story, I think, is pause for a moment, have that conversation. Why do we want to have kids? You know, whatever it is that you're working on right now, whether it's having children, um, buying a house, whatever that milestone is you think the milestone is in your marriage, if that is not happening for you right now, now is the time to have that conversation, not blame each other, but have that conversation around that topic. Why is it we want this? And God knows it's taking so long.
SPEAKER_01Well, and another thing is is just because everyone is is doing certain things like buying a house, getting married, you know, getting pets, having having children, just because everybody's doing that does not mean that that's the right thing for you. So when we were having this infertility struggle, I felt like we're 34 years old. 34 years old, and I'm like, I feel like a loser. Like everything's happening for everybody else and not us. It's like we've been married for so long and I just don't understand why this this isn't happening. So he asked me, Well, what do you want to do about it? And I said, Well, I want to buy a house and get uh uh a dog. And and so we did, and when we bought the house, it came with a pond and ten fish and and we got a dog and and you know we live in the house for a month and I start crying because it wasn't right for us. I I started getting all these bills, and I'm like, why do I gotta pay a sewer bill now? Why do I gotta pay a trash bill? Like, what? And then I decided, you know what? Like, why did why did everybody make this look so attractive? Like this was the right thing for us to do. I hate this. What was I thinking? Like, just because everybody else is doing something does not mean it's the right thing for you to do. I mean, obviously we grew up and grew together and became homeowners and took on the responsibility, but you know, I I look back and like, man, if we would have just waited a little bit longer. Yeah, yeah. And and and done what was right for us and not what everybody else was doing. Right. So if if you're the only ones not having kids, that does not mean that what you're doing is wrong. It's it it might be the right thing for you in your marriage and just enjoy the time together.
SPEAKER_00Yes, yes. That is so important, and I'm reminded that every married couple have to write their own story. You have to write your own story. You cannot duplicate the marriage that your parents had. And uh don't get me wrong, you can take the good things, you can take the the lessons, you can um learn from their advice, but it's all up to you to formulate the marriage that you want, the relationship that you want. And so that is simple but profound. Not because everybody else is doing it, mean that you or that is the right thing for your household or your marriage as well. And that is that is so good that we that we learn that. People want to hear what you have to say, they don't care about backgrounds and all of that other stuff. They want to hear how they how can they get out of the funk that they're in in their marriage. And so we, you know, based on everything that you have gone through, all the things, all the challenges, whether, you know, from health to the roommates to having kids to trying to doubting yourself and all of these different things. A lot of those, um, a lot of women that go through those things, they end up with um, they end up struggling with uh those silent resentments. And so, you know, what I'll what I was saying before um we pause is you don't have any problems. You don't have difficulty saying the things that you need. So you, you know, you have conversations with Tyler, you know how to voice your your opinions and and um uh voice your needs. But what would you say to um what do you would you say to that young lady that's listening? Um you know, we talked, yeah, we could just going back, you talked about the you know, the following through, taking the risk, being intentional, and um, you know, taking responsibility for your own, you know, your own feelings and that kind of thing. But there's there's that one wife that's saying, I'm tired of communicating the same things. I'm tired of saying what I want, I'm tired of voicing what I want. His mama been living with us for you know five years and she was supposed to be here for one month, you know. What what do you do with that? What is what is that um that person that's they're tired. What do I do? What what do you what do you say to them?
SPEAKER_01Well, I know that what I faced a lot in marriage, especially in the roommate situation, was I felt very lonely in the marriage because I wasn't getting the attention and loneliness. I I wasn't getting the attention and the intimacy that I needed. And um what happened, which uh was embarrassing, is that I actually started to get attention from another man and I liked it and this guy was not good looking at all. But I like the attention. Like, what is wrong with you? But that's where I realized I'm like I gotta we gotta do something because why am I liking the attention from this not very good looking guy when when I'm married and I want I want that attention from you and I was honest with him and and what I call that is an emotional affair, like we didn't do anything physical, but I was relying on another man to fulfill the need. So again, I had to communicate and I had to be honest, like, honey, there's something wrong if I'm liking attention from somebody else, yeah, I'm looking for it from somebody else and not you. And um, you know, that honesty helped him like, oh yeah, maybe I should pay attention to you more. But also in other times in my marriage, um what I did was I put in the work for myself. Yeah. Um and one of the things which I used to think was silly was I started doing guided meditations because like I said, it's so much easier to be negative and complain. And what guided meditations really helped me to do was um it kind of rewired my brain to be more positive and encouraging first to myself. And it it helped me just really like clean out all the ugly stuff in my own life. And what was interesting is I think I became more attractive to my husband because it's like he came back to me. You know, I kind of want to be around nagging, nagging, complaining lives. Um and so you know, when I put in the work for myself and was honest with him and myself, he came back to me and I'm I'm happier to this day, and I kind of attribute that to getting pregnant because I feel like when you manifest good things in abundance and uh positive things, it it does something to your body on a physical level.
SPEAKER_00I agree.
SPEAKER_01And so to that woman that's struggling to be honest with yourself, put in the work on yourself, and I I hope and pray that he comes back to you.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's so good. Uh sometimes we we we want to see change and what we do is we focus on um we focus on how um you know how they the change that the other person needs to make. You know, we we see the situation for it for what it is, and a lot of times we are afraid to go inward. Um one of my guests said in one of the episodes that we enjoy using the microscope, but we have a problem with the mirror, you know. And you know, the mirror is so, oh my God. Now you want me to look at myself? Like, I'm not ready for that. It's easier, you know, it's easier to point out your issues before, you know, rather than doing that. Um, and that's so that's so on point. That's so on point. Um, Alyssa, thank you so much. Um I don't know who uh, you know, who our person is, who's our guest that's hearing your art, that's listening to your story today, but I hope that they take the time to listen to the entire episode because there's something to be learned in every phase of your marriage. And part of the reason why I have women on that's been married for some seasons of time is that you your marriage have literally gone through seasons. You know, you've had the the this that um you know the spring, the summer, the fall, the winter, and and and recycle that again. You know, every decade was different, every five-year point was different, the struggles were different, and the winds were completely different. And so what I would say to um what I would say to every married couple is for one, always, is find that uh mentor or that married couple that you can learn from. You don't have to copy everything that they do, but you can learn from what they're they have gone through and let them guide you. I always say do not hang out with people who have not gone through anything because they don't know how to get you to the other side, but make sure that you're hanging out with folks that have gone through some things and know how to walk through those paths. Again, the journey may look a little different, but one, but um, you know, but being around people that's actually gone through different seasons is always helpful. And um, you know, one last question before before we wrap is always um what was the one thing that you wish you had learned before you got married?
SPEAKER_01One thing that I learned early on after we got married, which I knew, which I I wish I knew um before was never talk bad about your spouse to your family. Don't ever say anything bad. You need to lift them up and make them sound like the best person ever. Because you end up forgiving your spouse what your family does not.
SPEAKER_00They sure don't.
SPEAKER_01They do not, they remember every fight and every flaw. So if you're getting married, just keep that in mind. Always lift up and praise your spouse.
SPEAKER_05Yes.
SPEAKER_01Because you don't want your family telling you, you know, you need to leave him because he's such a horrible person. Like you need them to be your cheerleaders, yeah. Uh, and and you know, say, hey, you know what? You might be wrong because he's wonderful.
SPEAKER_00100%. That is so good. That is so good. Um it is so we hear that advice from time to time. You know, don't talk to your friends, especially your friends, but don't talk to your family about your spouse because what they see them through those lenses. And like you said, they never forget, they never forget a fight, they never forget what you say about them. So thank you so much for you know for dropping that nugget. Um, Alyssa, thank you so much for joining me on this episode. I hope that somebody, somebody's life is being changed, being transformed in the moment as you are listening to um Alyssa's story. Um, this is another episode of the State of Our Union and the Fight to Keep It. As always, thank you for watching. Don't forget to share, subscribe, and follow us for more episodes. We don't want you to miss not one. All right. Have an amazing week and we'll talk soon.
SPEAKER_01Thank you.