The State of Our Union [And the fight to keep it]
A marriage podcast designed to encourage reconnection, through open dialogue about the topics that challenges most marriages.
The State of Our Union [And the fight to keep it]
The Power of Self-Awareness, Faith, and Communication in a Thriving Marriage | Jasmine Davis
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In this engaging conversation, Jasmine Davis and Karen Williams explore the realities of marriage, addressing common misconceptions, the importance of self-awareness, communication, and faith in building lasting relationships. They share personal insights, practical advice, and the significance of transparency and growth in marriage. In this insightful conversation, Jasmine Davis and Karen Williams explore the foundational principles of healthy marriage, effective communication, and self-awareness. They discuss how personal growth, intentionality, and understanding one's identity are crucial for building lasting relationships.
Connect with Jasmine:
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/just_jassing/
Website: www.thejasminedavis.org
Thanks for tuning in! If today’s EP resonated with you, subscribe, like, and share it with someone who needs it. Connect with me on all platforms @karenwillcoach - and if you are ready to go deeper, join the community and continue the conversation inside my Facebook group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/loveandconflict" Until next time, let’s continue to fight for our union.
Hi everyone, welcome back to another episode of The State of Our Union and the Fight to Keep It. I am your host, Karen Williams, relationship coach, author speaker, and all the things. So, guess what? Today, my good friend Jasmine Davis is with me, and I'm so excited because we have not connected in a while. So we're about to do it. Right. Jasmine, please tell our audience a little bit about you. Um, you know, who you are, what you do, what part of the country you're in, and then hey, let's just jump right into our conversation.
SPEAKER_00Okay, well, uh, my name is Jasmine Davis. Um, two-time author, marriage coach, mama, wife, all the things as well. Um I live in Maryland on the East Coast. I am going on 21 years of marriage this year. Uh, I want to say, oh my gosh, 26 years together. So it's been a long time with the same man. And I'm telling you, I got listen, Carrie, you know. You know, and there's a lot of things you learn about yourself during that time. And so, um and about marriage and all the things. So I'm excited about this. I'm always excited to talk about marriage. Uh not enough people talk about it, not enough people showcase it. Um, so I think it's important to see healthy marriages, but not only healthy marriages, marriages that have been tested, yeah. Tried through and um what happens when that happens.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah. Uh and that's the that's the thing too. I'll um, you know, like we were discussing earlier, you know, before the cameras come on, one of the things that um I know we have to have a conversation around is the fact that there are real people out here with marriages that have gone through the things. We've gone through the seasons. Rob and I have been married, as you know, most of the audience know, we've been married almost 34 years. And so we are at the point now where yes, we have gone through a lot of different seasons, but we're, you know, we're really just ebbing and flowing right now. We have, you know, the the seasons have gotten us to this point. Yeah, we it's just like, yeah, it's it's flowing. We we understand each other. We you know, we almost at the point where we can, you know, like I said, we finish each other's sentences, but even that, like I always say that even that can become so complacent, so comfortable. And you know, if we're not careful, we still drown out each other's voices, and we gotta keep an eye on that. Always. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00Always have to continue to date your spouse. You cannot give up on that because once you do, it's so easy to um let that go. That was something I was talking to my husband about maybe a few weeks back. Um, just pessim and bustle of raising kids, and I was talking to you earlier about the transitional stages of where my kids are right now. Right and it it had been like a week, and I'm like, we have been traveling and stuff like that. And then like something feels odd, it feels weird. Yeah. And I talked to my husband, he was like, babe, we really haven't touched. Like, you know what I mean? Like, yes, I do, I do with all the traveling, and then once we get in the house, we're just dead tired. I mean, if you're out there and you're a sports mom or you're a college, all those things. Yeah, um, and it's like, dang, we haven't even like hugged. That's insane. And if you don't pay attention to those small things, to small things, just human touch. Yes, you will lose sight of that. And I'm like, oh my god, I'm glad that we noticed that because that could have really caused, you know, a wedge, and you know what happened when you have wedges. Yeah, that's how outside voices and noises get in, and then it becomes something else.
SPEAKER_01So absolutely.
SPEAKER_00It is it is important to stay on top of that relationship first.
SPEAKER_01So absolutely, absolutely. And and that it's so funny you say we haven't even touched, and that that's literally statements that Rob and I have used. You know, I'm like, wait a minute, it's been five days, I have not even seen your face. And so, you know, we sometimes I'll like you said a traveling, I get home and we're literally just touching each other's hands in the garage, you know. Yeah, and so, you know, we're like, no, wait a minute, stop for a second. And you know, sometimes I literally just take his face and just like, let me look at you for a minute, you know, because when you have um, when you have made those connections with your spouse, you want to maintain those because that's the safety, that's the stuff that reminds you that, hey, this is my person. Whatever is going on on the outside of these doors, you know, cannot break what's happening in here. And so with that, um, I want to always remind our audience that, hey, you might be newly wed. You might just be getting into that part that, you know, that really is what is it? I don't want to call it struggle, but it's a little discomfort. It's a weird part.
SPEAKER_00I don't know. I don't like what's going on, and I can't really describe what's going on, but I know it's not what I want to go on. That it's just a weird space.
SPEAKER_01Yes, and and it truly is, it truly is. I I call that stage the it part because part of that is the power struggle stage where you know I am my person, he is his person. We're trying to create this new thing, this marriage. What is this thing? But I still want to maintain who I am, and he wants to maintain who he is, not realizing that parts of us have to die in order to come together to find this new thing. Hello? And so I I want to I know we wanna we definitely want to speak to that um, you know, in our conversation today. So uh I really want to jump into um, you know, and I know we there's so many areas that we could that we could uh jump into, but I know you um I know you wanted to um look at um why so many women are initiating divorce within that five to seven year span. What is happening in those first few years of marriage why you think that that's happening?
SPEAKER_00Well, for me, I think that honestly that question can go a lot of different ways, but I think the basis of it is that women romanticize marriage too much. Marriage is not a movie, it is not a script, you will not get credits rolled at the end. You do not know what that marriage is gonna look like for you.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And I think that a lot of us when we look at TV or even people we know, we romanticize those relationships. Like, oh my gosh, I can't wait until, you know, oh my gosh, she's gonna kiss parents. And but the thing is, the truth of the matter is you don't even know what your own marriage is gonna look like, let alone thinking you're gonna mirror someone else's. I mean, it's there's no way for you to know what that marriage is gonna truly look like until you're in it.
SPEAKER_01Let me say this real quick. Hold on, Desmond. Um, go going back to the romanticizing part, because I was just telling someone recently on right here on this podcast, is um we get caught up in that uh ever after. So we're like, yeah, we're gonna get married, and this is the ever after. But the thing is, because a lot of us are treating marriage like the destination and not the beginning, like the starting line, they the ever after, nobody knows how to live the ever after. And that's what I'm hearing you say. I don't even we haven't even brought, we didn't even talk about this.
SPEAKER_00But ever after it, yeah, you know, I'm immersed in marriages, I talk to a lot of married couples, and it's always the same thing. And honestly, people have silent expectations, not only of their spouse, but of themselves. And I don't think a lot of women recognize that. They assume they're gonna be a certain type of wife, they assume they're gonna be a certain spouse is gonna be a certain type of husband, they assume how their marriage is gonna make them feel. But honestly, when you're trying to figure that out, it might not feel the best. Yeah, because if what I have learned is for you to find your true self and something that is gonna show you the very ugly parts of oneself is marriage, baby, over and over and over again. It is gonna expose them things that you think not that bad is actually horrible, and you're gonna have to change it, you're gonna have to let it go, and it's okay. It doesn't mean that you're different, it means that you're evolving, and that's okay. Yeah, it is okay to be different than who you used to be. It does not mean that you're a sellout or I don't want to do this, or I don't wanna be submissive, or I don't want to do and we that's not what marriage is about. Marriage is a partnership. We must learn from each other. In order to learn, we have to be willing to listen.
SPEAKER_02Absolutely.
SPEAKER_00And if we aren't willing to listen about those ugly things about ourselves, it's gonna continue to fester, especially if we don't want to change it. I just have I have a belief that your spouse should not have to tell you twice something that bothers them. Expand on that, please. I feel you know we'll go to this over and over, but at the end of the day, if I tell you this hurts me, this bothers me, this upsets me, and we actually have an open and honest conversation, and sometimes that might not happen because maybe your marriage isn't as safe as you would like it to be. However, karma, if I say this to you, if you respect me yourself in this marriage enough, I should never have to say it again. Those are the truisms of partnership. That's how that works. I cannot continue to say, hey, when you turn left, it jerks my neck a little bit, and you continue to turn left. Because and it's like, well, okay, do you are you disregarding me? Now I feel invisible, now I feel like when I speak, I'm being muffled. Now I don't want to speak anymore because you don't care. And now your voice gets smaller and smaller, and now here we are. I'm just quiet and I'm just letting my marriage do whatever it's gonna do because I feel like you're not gonna listen anyway. And that and that that goes both ways. That goes for a husband, that goes for a wife. And I think a lot of times when wives speak about their marriage, they believe that when they speak, they're only speaking about their husband and not about their shortcomings as well that created the situation. Right. Um, and sometimes even you may have to say it two times, three times, four times, maybe have to explain it differently. That sucks, but that's marriage.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00But I think every time there has to break away at what that is and what that looks like in order to really get to what you want.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, because your your reaction to your reaction in those moments when I bring up a situation, when I when I raise a concern, your reaction to that is sending the message to me of how safe I am to bring up the next thing. And so if I am not being heard in the last 15 times, you know, more than likely my voice will start getting smaller and smaller.
SPEAKER_00Or if it's met with aggression.
SPEAKER_01Or or or um or that that bitterness or that resentment. That's where all of that comes up.
SPEAKER_00At this point, we're not really working too, because I just feel like this if we're both in this marriage and this is what we want our marriage to look like together, that requires me and you to listen, hear, under, listen to understand. That's that's that's numero. I think a lot of people listen to to respond and they don't listen to actually understand and empathize with their spouse. Just because you don't understand something doesn't mean that it's not happening.
SPEAKER_02Correct.
SPEAKER_00Just because you believe that she didn't act that way, or doesn't mean that it isn't happening. I think I I talk to my husband about this all the time because I'm very um reactive in a way from body language, facial expressions, you know that just by the way I act, I'm very animated in a sense. And that can come across as too much, or um the face didn't meet my actual thoughts. And I can't expect my spouse to fully understand all of that. So it is your job that if your spouse says, Hey, this did this, this is how I felt when you said that. Hey, look, I did not mean that. This is what I meant. I'm sorry if it came across that way. This was absolutely not what I meant. This is why I did what I you the why is so important. It is, it is so I think that people think that that absolute no or that absolute yes or maybe that has to come with the why in marriage. It must. Because they have to understand why I said no, why I said I don't know, why even say yes. Because that why explains it, and then from there we can actually have a conversation.
SPEAKER_01Correct, correct. A hundred percent. You know, when we talk about um awareness, self-awareness for starters. I was talking to my son this morning, and that's one of the topics that came up. Self-awareness to me, in my opinion, you know, obviously it ain't gospel, but it's my gospel. You know, self-awareness is half the battle. Because I gotta first acknowledge that something is wrong, right?
SPEAKER_02Absolutely.
SPEAKER_01So for you as a wife, because this is where we personalize it now, because hey, we we have, like I said, we've gone through those different seasons. So in order to be married this long, where you got college age children, we have seen some seasons, right? So she share share with our audience. I'll start with, I'll start with like some of you know expectations. When you when you and Chris got married, um what were some of the um what were some of the silent expectations that you had that you had to get to the point where you say, wait a minute, this is this is not working, this is not what we expected. Tell me it, tell me, tell us about that season and how, you know, how you went from there to, you know, to here, basically.
SPEAKER_00You know, I always find that funny, even when I spoke about um solid expectations earlier, you know, I don't think I had any. And I think that's where I where it really was bad for me because I it wasn't mostly an expectation but a feeling. Gotcha. I wanted to feel a certain way. I thought I would feel I don't know, maybe put up on a pedestal or different than everyone else. And for me, I got married so young I feel like I didn't have a chance to know what an expectation would look like. I didn't really have like model relationships that I modeled it after or things like that. So I was kind of just like pulling that straw. It's like, well, I feel like that would be cool. Well, well, I don't know. Well, I thought that was cool, but I don't really like that. Or I don't know. And so I feel like for me, um my biggest struggle was figuring out who I was. I did not for the better part of the beginning of our marriage. Um, I always say I was just mommy and Mrs. Davis. I had lost Jasmine. I I because I think because I got married so young, I got married at 19 years old. I did not, I feel like in 19, you know, we all been 19, we think we know everything and we think that we're grown and we think all these things, but I actually I was not, and I did not know anything about being a woman, anything about being a wife, even a mom, any of those things. And it was such a whirlwind for me. And once I identified who Jasmine actually was, I was able to be a better mom, I was able to be a better person, I was able to be a better wife. Um, and so for me, the expectations really lied in myself.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Trying to figure out who I was without people telling me who I should be, or what a wife should be, or what you should do as a wife. And it's like, oh, okay, well, let me do this. Well, okay, let me do that. That's what a good wife looks like. That's what a godly wife is, that's what I should be doing. And it's like, sis, speak on that. It it muffled, it it muffles your voice. Yes, because when you got so many voices telling you what to do, how to move, sit up straight, walk this way, don't do that to your husband. Do this to your husband. And it's like, uh, well, okay, well, this is not working for me. And now my marriage is just like yuck. Like, you know, I don't I don't feel good in this. I don't think my spouse feels good in this. And it's like once I start connecting with him, like, hey, you know, I don't really like how this makes me feel. And he like me, you ain't gotta do that. I don't care about that anyway. And it's like, you know what I mean? It's like, oh, well, wait, well, let's talk about this too, because I don't like this, you know. Look, oh just listen. Flag on the play.
SPEAKER_01I'm throwing, I'm throwing all the flags down. Because, sis, you you are it was like yes, because you are hitting all the targets. Instead of sitting down with our spouse and say, babe, this is this is our marriage, this is what we want, this is what this is the type of marriage we're looking for, this is the outcomes we're looking for. We have invited all these different voices nowadays, social media, um, all of the influencers, the the the what you call it, the the sound bites and the and the memes, we have allowed those things to be the voices in our marriage instead of actually sitting out with our spouse and saying, babe, this is what we want. I love how yeah, I I can hear Chris. Uh-uh, um, I I don't care about that anyhow. I don't know why you were doing that. I thought you liked it. Why? Because somebody else told you that. You never had the conversation with him, and I think that's a lot that's still going on, that is still such a thing with our new couples because they're busy looking at oh the new couples are aesthetic wives.
SPEAKER_00Everything is postable, what you can post, what you can brag about, what you can get light on.
SPEAKER_01Everything has to be this um manufactured, this benefactured, exactly. And it has to be this um this social media ready type of thing. You know, you're setting up cameras, and this is the way you get out of bed, and this is the are you serious right now? Please. No, it's it's and so then then it gets to the point where we say, okay, now my marriage is all over the place because um my my husband or my voice aren't the only influencers in this exactly, exactly spots. Yes, I've been really fun. My husband called those um snapshots. He said that's only a snapshot because you didn't see what what it took to create that shot. You didn't see all of the things that you know that show up in the moment. Yeah, when you see when you know, when I tell people, okay, Rob and I, we take um since 2012, we have started um we basically we manage our money in a way so that we can take a month off once a year, right? People see that as a snapshot. I want your life, but you don't see my life the other 11 months. You don't right. You don't see when my husband worked at overtime. You don't see when we say, no, we're not gonna buy that because we want this. You don't you don't see that part, you know, and so the same way, it's like they, you know, you hit, I mean, man, you hit all of the picture and they make it a movie.
SPEAKER_00Yes. No idea the sacrifice it took, the breaking down it took, the microscope it took on me, on him, on our marriage to get to what you think you see. Yeah, what you think you see, exactly it's always what you think you see, because a lot of people don't like to show you the ugly. That's why for me, I've always been super transparent because I think it's vital. You have to be transparent, and you we all know our testimony isn't for us, it's for other people. And so if you get through those things and you don't speak about it, who you're trying to protect what? How are you trying to protect something God already delivered your marriage from? What you're protecting? That part, yeah, it doesn't make sense. It's like you do these things and these things occur so that other people can see, you know, don't sit and say, Oh girl, yeah, we just we just we just made it work. No, probably trying to bathroom in that shower multiple times. You felt like you was unheard. You thought that is marriage, yeah that's partnership. And and I'm telling you, if you want longevity, that means you're gonna have to grow up in your marriage, that mean you're gonna change who you are. That means you might not be, you might like them a little bit, but you don't you ain't quite sure if you're madly in love. For a second. You don't know. Sometimes those things feel like that. You know what I mean? Some people think that, oh, okay, well, we'll be mad at each other for a month. Sometimes a rocky space of your marriage may be a year. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. It may just be. You just never know. And sometimes it takes that, okay. Let me get over myself. Let me get over myself. That's not gonna work. I'm only damaging what I have spent so much time building by being stubborn, by being stuck in my own way, by saying I ain't giving no more, by saying I ain't, you know, because we give like that. Well, listen, I ain't changing no more. I'm not just because you changed, I mean, I gotta change. And and I'm telling you, sometimes your husband may change, and it may take him here and take you over here. Y'all gotta work that way back. Yes. Because they are allowed to grow as people. We are allowed to change what we like. That's marriage. But at the core of who we are, we have to still love that person. That's why this meme I always think about, whereas a couple on a bench and it's raining and they have their backs to each other, but the the husband is still holding that umbrella over his umbrella over her eating.
SPEAKER_02Mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_00I see. I love that because that is marriage. Yes. Because at the end of the day, storms are gonna happen. We may not turn around yet because I don't want to. And now I'm mad. And now I feel like I still don't want to do that for you. Listen, I'ma still make that plate, but I ain't gonna say nothing after I make it. You know what I mean? And you know, and it's so funny to me because in the early part of my marriage, I used to be so petty caring, I make up half the bed. You know, I I I did, you know, and and God is my witness. I did stuff like that. And it's like, what am I accomplishing by being so, you know what I mean? And that's not helping anything, but it to me, in a young marriage, hmm, I ain't doing that. Yeah, I ain't doing his laundry, I dump his stuff on the side of his bed. I'm not doing things that I would normally do. I stopped being that covering for my marriage, and it's like, oh my goodness, if I make a false step and God stopped covering me like I I'm doing my husband, Lord, what state would I be in? And it really, if you're really ready for that, go ahead and get married. Because it's gonna, I'm telling you that microscope's gonna be different. Because you you can you can put that microscope on your spouse, but you also have to be willing to put that mirror to you.
SPEAKER_02Exactly.
SPEAKER_00It's the only way to keep that going. But I'm telling you, I was petty eddy. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01You know, I think we've I can well I can speak for myself. Um, I was uh the one of the last uh episodes that I did, I was talking to a young lady about the same thing. She said, she said, you listen, I would be silent for a week. I said, yeah, I wasn't that bad. I did three days. So for three days, I ain't speaking to you. I don't care, you know. And and the thing is was it was it a lot of it was um, a lot of it was obviously me turning that mirror around instead of the microscope being on him. But I want to go back to something that you um that you said earlier. Um we have to actually show people how we got through absolutely, not just show them how we arrive. And I want to, of course, talk to, you know, especially us as believers, we have a way of telling people, just pray harder. We have a way of telling people just have just have faith. Or, you know, instead of actually showing folks how faith actually works, what it actually looks like. Because the Bible does say faith without works is dead. So, what am I doing? What is the works that I am putting in? What does it look like? What I think as as believers in the the church in general, the way that I think that we have um as let me let me back up. The church as itself, as we know, is the bride of Christ. We know that Jesus died for it. We're not none of that is is being argued here. But a church on its own, I remember where when the mom, the mothers in the church, I'm not gonna say mom, the mothers in the church would tell you things like um, you know, sex is bad, um, stay away, fornication is a sin, and by right it is. Nobody's over here glorifying sex outside of marriage. If you're a believer, that's that's the direction that we're going. But at the same time, the the conversation, in my opinion, should have been sex is a great, amazing thing that God created, but should be enjoyed in the confines of marriage. Because a lot of us got to marriage with that mindset that now we have to retrain our brain to say, no, this is actually something God created. It's not like yesterday I hated sex, it's not something I should be looking at, you know, shut my eyes, it's bad, horrible. And then the next day you get married, and now you're supposed to understand sex into this.
SPEAKER_00Oh, oh girl, this is like all of all of that comes together. It's supposed to be the fruit that you're supposed to eat, and you're supposed to know how to eat it and how to do it in the best way possible, but also nobody wants to talk to you about it. Because it's forbidden, and you you know, we don't talk about what happens in our bedrooms, and you should shy of doing that, or you should. And I think that's why for me, um I always say sometimes sex saves my marriage. Because listen, if that wasn't good, I don't know. Karen, listen to me. Because at the end of the day, I think that it's important to no seriously. Yes, seriously, because sometimes when your mind is racing and you connect with your spouse in that way, especially if you are connected in that way, once you do, it's like, all right, let's really Yeah, let's okay, let's have you know, because in the beginning, Karen, I used to always say, Listen, if it ain't right, my fault ain't running. You know, but but that's just that's also something that you grow into and understand that sex is how you connect with your spouse. Yes, it's also how you release things of this world to sinner. And I think enough people don't talk about sex and marriage is such a taboo thing, and I just don't get that, and I just and that's what makes it hard. And a lot of people, you know, I always speak about you know the church as far as marriage ministry because you're not about to go talk to your pastor about what's going on in your sex life, and because you don't want to be embarrassed or you don't want to expose, but oftentimes those are the things that you need to be open and willing to talk about, and that can make it hard. And now it's pray more. Well, that's not gonna help because I I need somebody to actually talk to me about what's going on and why my husband wants this and why he wants that, and why I'm unwilling to do it, and why does it make me feel unclean if I do? Yes, things are important.
SPEAKER_01Yes. I I and in that same, in that same vein, because we're gonna we're gonna stay here for a minute. In that same same vein, um, what I saw was um young people being encouraged to get married, but were unprepared. So how do I how do I argue well? Oh, just pray for your spouse. Um, well, how do I how do we how do we navigate conflict? Well, just keep praying for her, pre keep praying for him. Well, okay, now that I prayed, now how do I go through how do I go through the day? How do I go through the day?
SPEAKER_00Prayer is faith, but works is the tools. You need the tools. I need to say, okay, if the conversation isn't going right, what do I do? If if I came in with an intent to say this, now is going, hey, why, what do I do in the midst of that before we escalate this into something that shouldn't even be?
SPEAKER_01Exactly.
SPEAKER_00And that's so vital to say what happens when, and this is why I always say, in regards to having arguments or disagreements or whatever you want to call it, it's important that we seek clarity before we involve our emotions because we cannot get to the bottom of it because we're so emotional about the situation. And your emotions, you hey, they're valid. You can feel your emotions, but in order for us to gain clarity in this situation so that we can grow in it, I need to understand first. I can't get defensive or offended, and I feel some type of way about what you said, and now it's we done gone off track. We done lost the plot because now I'm I'm in my feelings and I can't get past that because I'm not I'm no longer seeking that clarity. I'm just putting my emotions first. And setting your emotions aside when you're hurt is very hard. I would not sit here and say that it's not, but I will tell you that if you allow your emotions to drive that car, you're gonna wreck off the cliff.
SPEAKER_01You're off the cliff every time, off the cliff, every time. I I keep saying, you know, your emotion, God gave us our emotions for a reason. However, they are not the drivers, they're just signals. That's all they are wrong, yeah. I feel that when I feel whatever that is, that's just an indication that okay, a nerve just got hit. What is it? Stay curious.
SPEAKER_00Why? Why did that hit? Exactly. Hello, sometimes it's not your spouse. Sometimes that thing offended you because of something you feel that somebody said to you when you were 10. That part, that part they struck the nerve because you didn't address the things that make you feel some type of way about yourself. It has nothing to do with your spouse.
SPEAKER_01Jasmine, there's a there's a uh I cannot remember the scripture right now. If you're listening, go look it up. Um, but I think it's right after Jesus came out of the wilderness and he was telling the disciples that the end that you know um the the enemy came, the devil came, but he found nothing in me. And I always think about as scripture because in Jesus' case, the devil came to tempt him in the wilderness. But everything that he came, Jesus came at him with the word. In other words, he came trying to appeal to Jesus' emotions, and there was nothing inside of Jesus for the enemy to connect with. Now we are not obviously we are not perfect like Jesus, so we are growing. And so every single time something comes up and it connects with your emotion or it it connects with whatever you just you gotta figure that out, and that is that's the mirror that we're speaking of. That's the mirror right there.
SPEAKER_00Because why why did this affect me so gravely? Yes, because it's like it's like a hundred people can say, Hey, um, you're nasty when you talk to people, and you're like, when your spouse says it, because honestly, a lot of us we take these things in, and even though we think we let it roll off our back, we really did. We we deposited it and we just stuffed it down. But once our spouse says it, because we respect their opinion, it that that that emotion uh pours, and you're like, that was so mean, that was so nasty of you. And it's like, no, I'm speaking my truth about what you do and how it affects me. It doesn't mean that I think you're a bad person, it just means that your responses to me is affecting me in a way that I don't like. Yes. And it's either you're gonna change that to be better for us or you're gonna continue to be that way, and our merge is not gonna be its best self. It's best exactly. You chose to not shine a light on that part of you because you're not wanna deal with it. Well, why do I talk like that? I that's one thing I had to say to myself, why why do I talk so aggressive? Why why do and it's like, oh, you had to protect yourself as a kid. You had you had to, you know, if you grew up in the inner city, anyone that's listening, you know that that outside armor has to be there so that you don't become a victim. It's like everything I do, I I I can't let people see me or view me as weak. And I have to react a certain way. But at the end of the day, that is your spouse. You should not have that armor on you when you speak, but you don't see that, and you can't hold that mirror to yourself because you're just like, this is who I am, and it this is what it is. When you married me, I was like this. When you that what does that have to do with being better?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah. And and you know, how many, how many uh new, you know, you know, couples in that in that time period, that one to seven year uh point that uh that will sit down and have that conversation and say, hey, I was like this when you marry me. I you know, this is just who I am. I'm like, but it's a character flaw. It's actually the flaw. Yes, but there's still there there's still that. A lot of people say, hey, iron does sharpen iron. And we have to chip away at those things that are not part of the the uh what do you say, part of the ingredients required to build this new thing. But I want to um I wanna, you know, divert us a little bit. One of the things that um, you know, I remember uh somebody asking me when I first started my business, they asked me, what's what's gonna separate you from other coaches? What make you different? And I always said that um, especially as a believer, I said, I want to approach marriage differently in the sense of I want to talk about the things that we are not talking about in church. I want to talk about um how we argue, I want to talk about um how we fight, I want to talk about money, I want to talk about attachment styles. I want to, I do want to talk about your love language, but we're gonna get there in a minute. But we, you know, I want to talk about how we we, you know, what our overview of marriage is, because I think all we all we hear is uh submission. That that's it. The other day I was thinking about um, you know, I was my girlfriends and I did a uh a Bible study. And we, you know, what we did was as business women, we pull out some of the, you know, the the nuggets from the Proverb 31 woman. And so I went back and I started looking at it again, and I was like, there is something for men to learn from this very chapter, you know, and like as I shared before, we jumped to, you know, uh verse 10 all the way to 31 to describe what the women's checklist is gonna look like. But in verse 1 through 9, King Lemule's mom was literally telling him what he needed to do, how he needed to be as a man. And no one from the pulpit, at least not since I've been a believer, and I've been saved since I was 16. I am almost 60 years old, no one from the pulpit has ever explained to us that King Lemule's mother was literally telling him, dude, these, first of all, as his mom, she recognized that he had purpose, right? Then she went in to say, these are the types of relationships you should be going after. He never she never told him that this is the what the woman's supposed to look like. All she said to him was, these are the characteristics that you need to be going after or looking for, right? She talked about self-control. Don't be drunk with wine, don't be over there losing your mind in situations to where you cannot even walk away with a clear head or your judgment becomes clouded. All of those things. Nobody talks about verse one through nine.
unknownNo.
SPEAKER_01And so how are, you know, and this is not a man bashing. We are married to men, we have sons.
SPEAKER_00So this conversation leads to the-I mean, mostly you hear in church is you know, for a man, love your wife as God so loved the church, be a breadwinner. That's it.
SPEAKER_01So yeah, so going back to that, how what are we doing to prepare young men for marriage?
SPEAKER_00Oh, absolutely. I I always say I'm raising my sons to be a husband. I'm not just raising them to be men, I'm raising them to see women. Yeah. Also identify what you need, who you are, and if you do not know who you are, you're gonna damage the women you come in contact with. That's simple math. And it's important that um, you know, I feel like just like we spoke about earlier with social media, I feel like women are viewed now as an item to obtain instead of what it takes to keep it.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00You know, women aren't something you just take off the shelf and play with and put back. And so it's important to understand how you deal with women. Women are women and men are different. And so, with that being said, you have to learn how to navigate women, but also you have to identify what you actually want in a woman. Because if you're going just by how they look, you're gonna find yourself in the world of trouble a lot.
SPEAKER_01Yes, you'll be going from one response to the next.
SPEAKER_00You know, you know, Dargoin well, you want a woman with substance. But if you chasing after something and then you sitting at the table and you can't have a real conversation, that's on you. That's on you. You did that. That's a choice. Yeah. And it's the same with women as well. You know, you chasing a man with money, or you chasing a man with a status, or you're having a certain lifestyle, and now this man can't give you what you really need. And now you're in uh a marriage where you're lonely. Well, you're lonely because you you didn't get a partner, you got uh an ATM. And money cannot get out. Let me tell you, it's gonna leave a lot of emptiness. Once that money is spent, some may come in, you may spend it again, but you those feelings you have are gonna still be there once you've done shopping.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00100% truisms of marriage. I mean, you can lay in the bed at night with four uh current ring on, and that man don't even acknowledge you when he sees it. You know what I mean? And then it's it's important that we identify those things because that's what it's all about. It's all about fullness, but we're seeking um the aesthetic of marriage and not actually marriage.
SPEAKER_01Yes, yes, yeah. I and I I agree with that 100% because I've always been candid about, you know, Rob and I. Yes, Rob and I we I'm I'm gonna give credit where credit is due. My husband and I, we have done marriage well. The thing is, there was a time where we didn't. Because we both got we've we're both divorced. We're both divorcees. So when we came together, what the only thing we knew was we're not gonna do that. We had to come to a place where we have to figure out, okay, so what is it that our marriage is going to need in order to be successful in our definition, right? And that's part of the reason why I was telling you earlier that hey, I bring on different guests on this podcast because I am not the only one that does marriage well. There are other people that have done it well, and you know, and and I would bet to say, as good a friend as you and I are, we do things differently in our household. Absolutely.
SPEAKER_00I mean, but that's that's the point. And this is why marriage is so beautiful, because your marriage is what you want it to look like, not what society thinks it should look like, not what your mama thinks it should look like, not what your aunts think it should look like, not what the first lady thinks, not what the mother of the church thinks, not even what the pastor thinks, because at the end of the day, that's not what that is. That if if God is okay with what you're doing in your marriage, keep doing it. Do what makes you happy, do what makes your family work. A lot of people say, like, oh, well, I couldn't have did that. I I, you know, I can't like let a man take care of me. Well, your man, I'm that's you, girl. You know, because you know, and and a lot of it, that was something I had to learn too early on in my marriage. I think by being um a military wife, yeah, yeah, into a different world, you know, then after military life, you still kind of ran your whole Like that because it works for me. And you know, anyone that has had a military relationship understands that uh your life kind of revolves around your spouse because they're deploying, they're this, they're that, you're stationed here, you're doing whatever, and it's kind of like you're going through the motions of just raising your family, and that affords you to be home oftentimes, and so that lifestyle is what we were accustomed to. But you know, if my mom was sitting right here, she would tell you how many times she's I don't agree with that. I don't I don't agree with you not working, I don't agree because now you're putting all your eggs in one basket and now you're dependent on this man to take care of you. What if one day he says he don't want to? What if one day all those things can be true? Yes, but that is her story and it's not mine. Yes, yes, and if I would have if I would have listened to that and taken that part away from my marriage, which honestly is where my husband thrives, he loves being a provider, he loves it. He loves that, hey, I like that you hump. If you want to work, cool, but if you don't want to work, that's better. That was for him, and that was also something that he battles because there's men that tell him, Man, she be out there working. I can deal with no woman. But if you allow those things to dictate what is happening, your marriage is gonna look very different and it's gonna put you in a tailspin that you don't know what you're doing because you allowed too much noise. This works for us and it's been working. I then wrote two books, I got a master's degree, and I'm still at home doing what I want to do, doing what I want to do my time, working for myself, if I want to, if I don't want to, but this works for me.
SPEAKER_01What's so funny is when because when we when we met, I remember you were finishing up your bachelor's, you're like, I'm going back to school finishing up my bachelor's. I'm like, y'all, this girl don't finish up the bachelor's, don't knock out a master's, and I wrote her books. And and that's the thing, it's it's um when you have when you have a spouse that recognizes that you are more than what they physically see, realize that they're gifts and talents on the inside of you, the marriage needs what's in you. You know, you're not just showing up as a shell, you're showing up with all the gifts and callings and and anointings and grace that God has put on the inside of you. You know, it's it's um, you know, talking about the military, excuse me, the the military life. And so, of course, that was um, you know, Rob and I's story as well. Um, but on the flip, so here I I am, I was the the militarist spouse. I was the one where who he followed around, you know, around the world, around the country, that kind of thing. And you would have that voice. You would have, first of all, when um when he got out the military, and some of the voices I heard was, how are you gonna marry a man without a job? You know, and it was like, yeah, that noise could have cost me this amazing person that I'm married to now. Yeah, you know, that was so much. Yes, and it's sad. Yes, I I wanna, I wanna um I wanna key in on the importance of knowing, not just important to know who you are first. Because it's who once you know who you are, then you know what you want from your relationship, right? And until you and I know that, we won't have the marriage that we think we want. Like you said earlier, and I love your example. And if if you don't, if the listen as listeners, if you don't take away anything else from Jasmine's conversation, what the they the the learn or to say the takeaway here is you cannot go into your marriage with all these other voices telling you how your your marriage is supposed to look like. Because at the end of the day, you you know you're gonna be three, four, five years in and you're not recognizing your marriage at all because it is a sum total. It's a yeah, it's a sum total of everybody else's voice. Right? And so if you don't, if you don't again, if you don't take away anything else, definitely take away this. The all in. When you s when you mentioned, you mentioned that um all eggs in one basket. Yes, the all that that that example, you know, if we're if we're married, if we're saying I do, listen to me, and you put an eggs somewhere else. That part, right? Why can't your eggs be in one basket? This is what you said you wanted. If you want your eggs spread around, don't get married.
SPEAKER_00It's so logic is all in anyway. You stood right there and you told God and your spouse that you were all in, anyhow. And guess what? If this doesn't work, I know I put all my eggs there. If it doesn't work, I'll get more eggs. Yes. That's all right. Yes. Seriously, because honestly, just like you said, life doesn't stop after a divorce, right? You've already, you're you're a testament of that. Correct. You get what I mean? But did that stop you from remarrying? No, it doesn't. But I know one thing. If I do have to walk away from this situation, I know I did everything that I needed to do in order to grow it. Okay, because grass is only greener when you what? Wow. Okay, because a lot of people now want to get turf and then they wonder why ain't nothing growing from it.
SPEAKER_01Because it's fake. Yes.
SPEAKER_00You haven't done nothing to make anything blossom, harvest, whatever you want to call it, fruits, bloom or whatever, you have done nothing but want it to look pretty, and that's why it's gonna stay looking fake no matter the season.
SPEAKER_01And and that's that's so true. Because when you think about it, if if if your marriage is only uh snapshots, then there's there's there's no life in it, you know, and things only grow when you add life to it, when you plant it, when you till it, when you sow, when you yeah, there's gonna be some dry spots, so you get over there in the dry spots and you put a little fertilizer on it. You have some weeds.
SPEAKER_00Yes, you get some you're gonna put something on them weeds, they're gonna grow back again.
SPEAKER_01Yes, yeah. You gotta pull things up from the root. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00But you still gotta work it. You can't go out there and make a good garden this spring, right? Knowing that it's gonna go through seasons, knowing when spring comes back around, you're gonna have to go back to that same garden and do it again, right? You'll do that, but you won't do it in your marriage.
SPEAKER_01It's like the concept doesn't, it doesn't it doesn't translate.
SPEAKER_00So you you'll get new summer clothes, you'll get a new wardrobe. Oh, that's old. I'm gonna throw that out. You'll get so many new things, but you just don't want to do the work, and that's a lot of it. People just don't want to do the work to reap those benefits, but it takes work, it takes time. Also, you can't plant a rose bush today and think it's gonna bloom tomorrow. It's work that has to go through. What you gotta do with the rose bush? You gotta prick it, you gotta cut it. Sometimes you gotta start over. But that's what you have to do to see what you want to see at the end.
SPEAKER_01But Jasmine, do you think do you think that um do you think that some people are afraid of going all in because of the uncertainty? Absolutely.
SPEAKER_00Failure is the biggest reason why people don't take leaps in anything. That's in personal life, that's in, hey, I want to go back to school, but I don't think I can do it. Hey, I want to change my job, but uh, is it too late in life to change what I want to do? I really, I really have a passion in that moment. It's the same thing with everything. The failure part, it's like that's just like women that say, hey, you know, you always gotta have an account your spouse don't know about, you always gotta have this that this person doesn't know about. It's like you're setting yourself up for, okay, this is gonna fail. Let me help myself.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Oh, this is gonna, you know, all those things come into play. Like, yes, things may happen.
SPEAKER_02Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_00Yes, it may not work, but what if it does? You know, like what if it does? Because you're so afraid of it not working, you're not even thinking about if it does. Yes. Yeah. You don't even have the hope that it does. It's like, okay, well, let's just see what happened. Yeah. That hope is not there. It's like, well, I prayed about it and I'm gonna go ahead and go about my business.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_00You can pray until you blew in the face and God's gonna look at you and say, Well, what you doing? I mean, after he was done praying, did you even talk to your spouse about what you were thinking? Did you and for me, a lot of the times, I remember I said early on, um, my husband used to say I talked aggressive. And it would, because my husband is not really an aggressive person. He he's aggressive, but not when he speaks. It's like it's a little different. And I had to find it was stages in my marriage, I had to find a different way to communicate with my spouse because I realized that I wasn't gonna get to him the way I needed to and have him understand me because of what I looked like on the exterior when I spoke. Yeah, and so I said, okay, we started to journal together. That was one of the biggest turning points in my marriage. I got a composition book from the Dollar Tree, I would write him and he would write me back. No interruptions, no nothing. It it started to either work.
SPEAKER_01Yes. Tell us about I didn't even know you did that. Tell me about that.
SPEAKER_00Um, so you know, like there was a time where I felt like I didn't want to be interrupted. I wanted him to actually understand what I was saying and not it turn into something else. And I would just write write a page in the composition book, and I would put it on his side of the bed with a pen. Sometimes he would take it to work, he would write me back, or he'll go downstairs, he'll write me back, and he'll put it on my side of the bed. Wow. And it got to a point where we don't even journal anymore because we really got to a point we understood. You know what I mean? He understood me in a in a space where he can empathize and say, oh, okay, let me not think that that's what she's saying because that may not even be what's going on. Right. But I don't know if we would have gotten to this space if we didn't journal.
SPEAKER_01If we didn't. I had no idea that you guys, that you guys um did that. To me, that is like one of the healthiest communication tools that I've ever heard of. So underrated.
SPEAKER_00Wow. And I mean, even if you have questions at the end, like, okay, I'm replying back to what you said, but okay, but so why do you think that is? Why do you think you did? Because it then opens up that door to where now I actually want to understand more. Yeah, it brings us your curiosity. Yeah, you you can even go back and read, like, oh, well, she said this two, three pages ago. Oh, now I now I get it. Yeah, now I understand because it's not met with high emotion. And even when it is met with high emotion, sometimes when you write things, you might like me, okay, that was a little ugly. Let me go back and let me write that out. But you know, sometimes when you're speaking, once it's said, you can't take that back.
SPEAKER_02You can't.
SPEAKER_00But when you write, writing really puts you in a place where, girl, watch your mouth. Yes. And it's like, oh, okay, let me, okay, let me reword that. Because it you're like, oh, that that sounds crazy. Let me let me, you know, let me take the pencil, let me erase that a little bit. That was a little crazy, you know, and this is not what I really where I want this to go anyway. And I I really want to know how he feels.
SPEAKER_01Yes, that's not what I want him to hear.
SPEAKER_00That's what I want him to receive. And I may have said something in an argument because he said something. Now I didn't met it with sass because I'm just sassy. Yeah. And I'm quick with it. And so I'm gonna say something I know it's gonna sting, but what is that gonna do? And I and how is that gonna get us over this hump? And so I felt like it was quiet. Um, it allowed me to actually hear God's voice more than my own or his because when you sit and you journal, it's very quiet. Yes, it's also very peaceful because we feel like I said everything I wanted to say. I wasn't interrupted, I wasn't derailed by my spouse's emotions, I wasn't derailed by what he said that offended me. I'm able to actually sit. Sometimes he would write something and I might not reply right away.
SPEAKER_01Right, right, right. Give you that's hard.
SPEAKER_00In that space because he feels relief because hey, I said it. She might not have replied yet, but she heard me. She'll reply. Yeah, yeah. It makes her talk for hours to process it.
SPEAKER_01But like I know it gives you, it gives you the pause needed to to you know to process for one, because a lot of times emotions, because it emotions is uh is the driving force there, we don't pause. Um but now so tell so I'm thinking now that you now that you're telling me about this method of uh of communication, uh, how did that contribute to the books that you've written? And tell us a little bit about them.
SPEAKER_00Who? Oh my. Well, the first book I wrote, um, I always say it was a vomit of my emotions because it was this is my first book. It's it was a self-help book. And the title was How concrete, how concrete changed to soil. And we was just talking about gardening and all those things. And I always felt like I was a rose that came up out of concrete. Like I don't know how I bloomed because it was rough. But then through life, that changed into soil and what that journey was like, and that's basically what that book is is self-awareness, identifying oneself, knowing who I am without having to announce who I am. That was a big part of, and I think that's like an energetic thing. Like we gotta be like, boom, we on the scene. Um, you know what I mean. And it's like one of those things I wrote about in the first book was like, you know, you don't see Bentley advertising. They don't have to. They don't have to. You won't see because you know it's luxury, you know what I mean? And and once you know who you are, you sit with it.
SPEAKER_01Yes.
SPEAKER_00You know what I mean? I'm I've been tried and true. I know who I am, I don't have to announce it. And like I said, that self-discovery journey about actually who Jasmine was in those spaces allowed me to just gain clarity. And that's what that book was, just like a vomit of everything of how I felt that journey to those spaces. And then I sat with it, and people was like, Oh, we loved it. You should write a marriage book. And I was like, nah. Let me tell you, God was like, girl, you're gonna be obedient one way or another. Well, I'm either preaching into it or you're gonna just do it how I said you should do it. You know what I mean? And so, and then the marriage book came around, and it was one of those things I was talking about before that it's important that um healthy marriages are the loudest voice when it comes to marriages, because I feel like most people now, the loudest voices in the room, everybody has a mic, everybody has a podcast, and everything that they say on it is like, what? Sometimes I listen to some of the things, you know. If you're on social media, you're gonna run past something that's crazy, and I sit and go, What? Like, what how did how is that working for you? Like, how I seen this one thing recently, it was like it was these guys, and they were talking about how they don't like their wives, and yeah, man, like she's not my friend, but you know, the marriage works.
unknownHow?
SPEAKER_00How I was like, and because if my spouse wasn't my best friend, this would not work for me. Exactly. How far would I get in those seasons? Yeah, he wasn't, yeah. At the end of the day, he is my best friend. I wrote this is my second book, and this is so funny. This title always makes me chuckle because this is true, and this is merch isn't always bubblegum and lollipops. That's the one I know. Because you know, we sit, we sit in this space where we think everything is Candyland and yay, yay, yay. And it's like, uh no, actually it's not. And actually, you can produce that, it can be that, but it's gonna make work. It may be that in the beginning because it's just new. I mean, that's not anything new that you have. Like, if you get a new purse, oh, I can't wait to wear it. I I can't wait to get an outfit to go with it, and then you wear it a couple times, and it's like, oh, she's cute. Let me put her away. Yeah. Because that's just that's how we do, and you cannot be that way in your marriage. You have to constantly work. And so for me, it was important to recognize and identify that I I needed to put a voice in and be realistic. I feel like a lot of times when people go to, we talked about that early on, like what type of marriage coach I wanted to be. Yeah, and I think that's when you really identify, okay, there's no real, no realness brought into these spaces. It's very surface level. It's very like, do this, do that. And it's no true realism in it. It's like, yeah, okay, girl, I got nothing from that. I didn't set an hour, I didn't pay you, and what I'm supposed to do.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah. I'll tell you this. Um, let me interject this really quickly. When I first started, and again, trying to find my voice as a coach, you know, in in that aspect, is it was like, um, yeah, I got the certifications. Yes, uh, you know, we we got all of these little you know, alphabets behind our name. But I will never forget what my I think she was like my second uh my second paying client. And she said, Yeah, I saw your website, yeah, I saw all the credentials, but it's after I spoke to you and you told me your story, that was the reason I worked with you.
SPEAKER_00That's it. And you know, my first is always that we have to make sure that this is gonna work for both of us because if I meet you where you need to be met, I want you to go so that you can get the help. It's not an ego thing. That's one thing you have to let go. I will refer you in a second. In a second, because if this is not gonna work for you and your marriage, I want you to find that because it's important. Exactly. And then honestly, recognizing that you're not the marriage coach for everybody is the best way to understand. And then it's like, oh, okay, well, I'm gonna give you some homework, and then when we meet next time, we're gonna have a real session because it's important that you understand and identify. And I think on my website, I posted okay, this is who I am, this is how long I've been married, this is what things I can help with. Yes, and help give you tools with.
SPEAKER_01Yes.
SPEAKER_00Um, and that that kind of gives you, just like she said, well, I seen what your website said, but let's see for real. Exactly. And I think that's exactly the realism of marriage coaching, because if you are not equipped, it's not gonna work. Yep. Yeah, you're gonna waste your time and theirs.
SPEAKER_01I was talking to my um, you know, my marketing team, and uh, you know, again, you you hear all of this, yeah. People people want to know that you're certified, people want to know all this. And I said, you know, of course, one of the things that um, you know, yes, she's part, you know, she's my marketing team, but she's also a good friend of mine. Um, one of the things my friend Mary Grace always says, from especially when you're speaking from a stage, people are not trying to hear concepts and you know, lists and all that stuff. People really need to know what your experiences have been. What was your story? Uh, you know, because here's the thing with what your story does is tell people it gives people hope. Because that's why, Jasmine, that's why you're here. That's why we're having this conversation. That's why we create spaces like this. I'm not out here talking, you know, I I am not a podcast, bro, whatever, you know, that can sound like that's not my thing. I'm a real person, yeah.
SPEAKER_00person in here with real friends that have been through it that's done it uh on the other side of it i i like i like being able to say to someone and that that's listening hey girl you can literally get through this it's up to you i think you say that to people it's like oh really yeah i'm introducing you to people that have done it that have been there you know because i i jasmine i know your story enough to say at any point any one of those things could have ended your marriage any one of the things that rob and i have gone through could have ended our marriage you know the job loss the pandemic the the the you know the loss the loss of a child all of those different things could have you know could have ended any marriage you know but we there was something that we decided and it came to a moment where we we both made a decision absolutely that this is my husband we're gonna say we're gonna stick this out whatever this gonna look like as a matter of fact I told him one day divorce is no longer an option it's not on the table it's not on the table out of this thing unless God call you home I don't know what else to tell you you're stuck exactly I feel like you know even though I was joking and he laughed yeah it it really is a realization in your marriage that divor once divorce is no longer an option in your marriage you will work it yeah because they you know and I shared this on the the last the the last episode that it's see plan B will say if you don't fix this I'm out yep right but commitment commitment will always say I'm staying so we're gonna fix this figure it out we we have no choice we're gonna figure it out exactly there isn't an op I think when you have when divorce is on the table I speak about that in my book as well when divorce is an option other things don't exist yeah like the the work through doesn't exist because I don't really care I can be gone I don't need this and that's why it's so easy like we spoke to in the beginning of the episode why is it so easy to well it's easy because it wasn't committable it was like it wasn't it was always an option that easy out like yeah okay well we can we can get a divorce I can get back to dating pool it's nothing for me you know like I'm not gonna be in this marriage unhappy I'm not well baby I hate to break it to you but any man you're gonna have to learn any relationship you're gonna have to learn you're gonna thing I know about life you every time it's gonna teach you every time you're gonna repeat that class until you pass it you can withdraw this class this semester but that class you're gonna still need to get that degree I guarantee you nothing's gonna change you know what I mean work the system that you have not only that but your system is worth it right your marriage is worth it it really is because you do not get to 10 15 20 years yeah saying yeah I'm about to be out I mean you might I've said a couple times like man I ain't got time I ain't got time for this I mean the fun part is here's a good here's the good part here's the good part is it doesn't matter um it doesn't matter how how many times you you know you you say hey I'm um I'm out it's it's the you know at the end of the day if it's a commitment that you made before God and then to each other you know we'll we'll we'll push through it we'll push past it.
SPEAKER_01And you know the the thing is that I want um I want people to always walk away with after hearing you know these stories that I you know that I love showcasing is again there is there is hope. Your relationship your marriage is not the exception you know and so you are actually worth it. You know there are people that now again the the famous thing on the internet is you know um you know just how horrible you know some men are about you know how they're treating women and all of those things. And trust me sis I hear that I hear it and I see that and I know that a lot of that is true. But at the end of the day if who you associate with who you hang around with the things you put in your ears the things you put in your eyes the things you're saying out your mouth that determine your reality and so you want to guard your marriage you want to guard your relationship from all of those things you know put up put up the boundaries that's necessary you know um speak the words of life over your relationship all the time yes hang out with people who are having good marriages so that you are not pouring in you know because would you put rat poison in your garden? No you wouldn't you know you put the things that's going to improve it. So you want to you know you want to create that space you want to create that environment where you know your marriage is being invested in every single time and so I'm hoping that this episode was a blessing to somebody that's listening today. Jasmine let's wrap with tell folks how they can get a hold of you and you know hey if you're listening you can write this down but all of this information will be in the show notes. So tell people how they can get your book how they can find you and connect with you.
SPEAKER_00So um my website is a one-stop shop um it's www.thejasmindavis.org name is very generic is not hard um but there there's tabs to purchase both books there you can find my social media accounts there you have a way to email me set up an appointment it is all there for you I even I even have um my podcast links on there I haven't did an episode in a while but the advice did not change right all still remain the same um and so those are the ways to connect with me very simple very easy www dot the jasmine davis dot org all right sounds so good uh again jasmine thank you so much for stopping by again we could probably talk for hours about this if y'all know me and Karen y'all know we are yappers I love it so listen uh connect with jasmine especially for those of you that's on the east coast yes I'm on the west I you know of course there's no space and time when it comes to the internet but um if you're on the east coast and you want to sit down and have some real conversation with you know about your marriage of course connect with Jasmine again thank you so very much for joining us on another episode of the State of Our Union and the fight to keep it I will talk to you soon