The State of Our Union [And the fight to keep it]
A marriage podcast designed to encourage reconnection, through open dialogue about the topics that challenges most marriages.
The State of Our Union [And the fight to keep it]
How Faith and Self-awareness Strengthen My Marriage | Gigi Quijano
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In this heartfelt interview, Gigi Quijano shares her journey through marriage, emphasizing the importance of self-awareness, communication, and faith. Discover practical insights on navigating challenges, managing expectations, and growing together as a team in marriage.
Connect with Gigi Quijano:
Thanks for tuning in! If today’s EP resonated with you, subscribe, like, and share it with someone who needs it. Connect with me on all platforms @karenwillcoach - and if you are ready to go deeper, join the community and continue the conversation inside my Facebook group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/loveandconflict" Until next time, let’s continue to fight for our union.
Hello, and welcome to season two of The State of Our Union and the Fight to Keep It. I'm your host, Kieran Williams, and today I have my real good friend with me, Gigi Keanu.
SPEAKER_01Hello.
SPEAKER_03And so I am excited because Gigi is a wife of, you tell me, 25, 6, 30 years. Going on 28. 28 years. And so, as most of you know, we're taking a little bit of slight redirection with season two. We're going to be sitting down with the wives and have them, you know, pour into us on how they navigate marriage with all the things, all of the challenges that come with marriage, how they actually do it. And so I'm going to stop talking and have Gigi introduce herself and tell her a little bit about her, where she's from, and all the good things.
SPEAKER_00All right. My name is Gigi Kihano. Um, wow, let's see. I started off in the medical field, did that for 16 years, transitioned to the finance field for another 16 years. And I'm we're still in that, mostly my husband. And right now I am authoring a journal and it is about to be published very soon.
SPEAKER_03Yes, we're so excited. Um, and so we're gonna drop all of Gigi's information in the show notes. That way you can get in touch with her if you need to. And so we are completely, you know, very excited about that. All right, so we're going to dive into our conversations this morning. And, you know, just see where we go. As you know, our format is very conversational. We're not gonna be super formal. If we get to something that Gigi doesn't want to talk about, guess what? We're not talking about it. Whatever she wants to talk about, if she's if she whatever she's comfortable with, that's what we're diving in. But at the end of the day, we want you to walk away with truth, and that way you can apply those uh said truths to your life. All right. So um let's go into a little bit. You know, of course, we we said that um, you know, as wives, you know, we have we have different seasons in our marriage. Well, the marriage itself has different seasons. We go through our honeymoon phase and we, you know, we go into the the um the what is it, the the relaxed or the soft girl or whatever people want to call it these days. I don't know if I had that era. Well, you know how, you know, first we we you know we get married and we we think everything is we basically we have this weird expectation of what marriage should look like. Mind you, we just a lot of times we dream it up. But Gidi, tell me a time or before I go, before I say, before we go into the timing, um, tell me a little bit about some of the things that you wish you knew before you decide to say I do. What would what would be some of those um top things that come to mind for you?
SPEAKER_00I think one of the biggest things I wish I knew before we got married is that I'm not going to win every battle. True. I am a Scorpio at heart, and I'm very want the last word. But that doesn't happen in marriage. You know, it's and it's not about having the last word. It's learning how to have a conversation with your spouse. And it took me a while to learn how to have a conversation.
SPEAKER_03So when I'll that can go in so many different directions because uh when you talk about conversation, we know communication is one of the biggest obstacles that we have when we first get married. Of course, in the first year or so, we are so excited to be married, to be Mrs. Whoever. And so we're excited about the title, but then when it comes to the actual uh the nitty-gritty, the iron sharpening iron, the two individual people trying to merge into one, that can be a little challenging. And so even the things that we um the conversations that we want to have, somehow it turns into a fight. We don't know how, but it turns into a fight. And so, can you recall any of those moments and how did you navigate those?
SPEAKER_00I'm laughing because as soon as you said and it turned into a fight, and then five minutes later, what were we fighting about? That part. And nine out of ten times that was me.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00I remember I asked him to buy me something, and he came back with the total opposite of what I wanted. I think I wanted a certain type of milk. He bought me creamer, and then he said, Well, you didn't explain yourself. And I was like, I sent you a picture. What more explaining did you want? And so it turned into an argument, and then literally three-fourths through the argument, I was like, Why are we fighting over this? Oh my gosh. Why are we having a conversation about creamer versus milk?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00You know, and that's when I began to realize, because it wasn't the first time we fought about something for me was insignificant. Many arguments, and then I realized that Gil was so much more structured and technical than I was. Where I'm kind of more free-spirited or tell it like it is. I'm structured, but only in certain aspects of my life. And that's when I began to realize oh, if I can't have a conversation in how he thinks, how are we ever gonna keep this marriage going? Yeah. And that was the biggest eye-opener is he can't come at me in how he thinks, he has to come at me or talk to me in how I think, but I also have to give him that same grace. Yes. Yes. And so it's funny because I accidentally sent my friend a message that was for Gil. And she goes, Is that literally how you talk to him? And I said, Yes, because it's Gil is very one, two, three, one A, one B, one C, if needed, even. And I've learned to talk to him, and now we're very much more aligned in when we talk and how we work together.
SPEAKER_03And so that's that is so key because even when I sit down and coach couples, you know, and we I hear the things that they argue about or the things that become the focus of their contention, I have to stop and say, okay, let's figure out what your communication styles are. Because the thing is, it's not about, it's not about the dirty sock on the floor, right? That's not the issue. The issue is, am I being heard? Am I being disrespected? Am I being loved? Am I, you know, is my soul being fed in that moment? Do I feel safe to bring up another um conflict in the future? How will that be viewed the next time, you know, we have that encounter? That's what, believe it or not, that's the conversation that's happening in our heads in those moments. And so we we have to um, you know, as wives, we have to be able to slow down. And and I'll say uh um for husband as well. But I think when um because us, I know wives, I know us, we can get um, and there's nothing wrong with being emotional. So let's let's put that uh disclaimer out there first. Yeah, there's nothing wrong with being emotional. The thing is we cannot allow our emotions to drive every encounter we have with our husbands. Because what ends up happening, we hold on to things called resentment, disappointment, hurts, pains, you know, and so we we hang on to those things, and that becomes the lens that we view every other conversation through. And so um what I would ask you is was there a season where you realize that you were carrying any of those things, whether it's resentment or disappointment or any, or even if it's none of these that I name, is there a season that you realize, you know what, I am actually viewing my husband through one of these hurts or pain?
SPEAKER_00Oh, for sure.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Um before I stopped working as in a job, you know, I was in corporate for over a decade. I was the breadwinner. And so when I had to medically stop working, Karen, I resented him so much because then it was, oh wait, now I have to wash my spending, I have to make decisions based on he is the sole breadwinner right now. And so it was very difficult for me to not even just turn the tables, but it was di very difficult for me to realize okay, it has to be a group discussion now, you know? Yeah. It has to be amongst husband and wife. Whereas before I never had to ask. You know, we both contributed to the household, but my money was my money, his money was both of our money. And um, so when that stopped, it it bothered me for a long time.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And it wasn't until he asked, What's going on? You seem really distant, is when I realized, oh wow, I'm really portraying more than just resentment. I am walking away. Wow. Okay. And that's when I said, All right. So then I said, Hey, this is how I feel. And then he was like, When did I ever make you feel like you had to ask?
SPEAKER_01Wow.
SPEAKER_00And I was like, Oh, yeah, he never, and he still doesn't. You know, I will be the one to say, Hey, I'm thinking about buying this, buying this, but I've never in turn heard him say you can't. Yeah. And that's when I realized if I'm not willing to air it out, if I'm not willing to say, hey, you know what, this is what's bothering me. But because he literally takes care of me when it came to my health, when it comes to the doctor's appointment, when he drives me around, I didn't want to make it another issue. But then I realized it wasn't an issue, it was how I was communicating with him.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03So he because he's asking a really good question that I have a, I mean, I'm asking the same. Where did you get the idea that you had to ask him?
SPEAKER_00Because it sounded like that was all you. He was okay with it. It was all me. Oh, it was 100% all me. You know, I can't even give him an ounce of the what the heck. It was all me. And it was me because as women, whether we're the breadwinner or we're the business owner, whatever, I think we tend to feel like we don't need to rely on our spouse. And at least that's where I was coming from. Hey, I make my own money, I don't have to rely on him. And then when that got cut off, why was I completely shocked by his reaction to it? So it was completely on me. Yeah. I always blame it on my Scorpio. I think too much. But I think as women, we do think too much. Yeah, we do overthink. We overthink a lot of things.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, we overthink a lot of things. The the the the thing there, um, what I wanted to kind of see if I could flesh out was how many of us actually do that. We we we make these assumptions or we have these expectations. And so because you were uh bringing in or contributing to to the household at the time, you figured, hey, I don't need his permission or I don't need his collaboration with the fine, you know, with the finances, with the spending. But now you suddenly personalized it because you weren't contributing. Yeah. Even though he had never said anything, you know, and so we we go into, I and I know this for a fact, we go into marriage with our own mindset, our own thinking about how things should be done, or our views on money or religion or politics or whatever that is, and we make that assumption that our our partner thinks the same. You know, without even without even having a conversation. I'm like, okay, what how did we get here? You know, I was having a conversation with myself. Yeah, it was all in our head and um and been there, you know, been there. I remember um I remembered uh I I said to Rob one time, I say, when I talk to you, I feel uh you make me feel like an idiot. And he's like, wait, where did that even come from? You know, again, my own insecurities. And, you know, Gil and Rob is probably very similar in the way they communicate, is pretty much um black, white, maybe gray, blood, blood, you know, it's just you know, boom, boom, boom. You know, so when Rob would ask me a question, I read into the question and I see my own insecurities in the question. He's asking me a one-liner, and I'm telling you, Gigi, I am I am here in a whole paragraph.
SPEAKER_00No, it's so true. We're reading between the lines, wait, yeah, but he annotated it this way, or you know, I heard something different.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Because they raised their tone just a little. Oh my god, he's yelling at me.
SPEAKER_03Yes, yes, yes. No, I'm not good enough. Yeah. Now, you know, I and again, a whole conversation in my own head about what he's saying. Instead of, okay, what did you mean by that? Why did you say it that way? What was happening, you know, and and all of those things. And I remember when he he made it um pretty clear, he said, first of all, you are safe with me. There's never a time that you have to think that I'm thinking less than you. You, whatever I'm asking you, that's all I need to know. You know, but he has a way of he asks, he's he'll ask a question and he asks follow-up questions. And I'm like, man, I didn't think it all the way through then, you know. You know, so especially like, you know, as a business owner, sometimes I have some, you know, some expensive business ideas. And he was like, okay, so how is that gonna work? What's the ROI? Um, who who else have you consulted about this? What's you know, and so he has all of those questions. Now, mind you, we've been married now, um, it'll be 34 years this year. So I'm at the point where I already anticipate those questions, and I am comfortable and safe to say, you know what, I don't know, I didn't look into that yet. And maybe sometimes he'll go look it up himself, you know. But the point is we we can't hold on to those um unhealthy emotions like the resentment and the hurts, and think, oh, somehow he's gonna know, you know, what I'm thinking or he should know. You know, that's one of our, that's one of us as as girls, that's one of our famous line. Well, you ought to know, you know, well, don't you know what I want? Well, don't you know what I like? You should know by now.
SPEAKER_00My mind.
SPEAKER_03Yes. Use what is it? Use your words. Yeah, use your words. All right, so we're gonna get into um, you know, just a little bit uh a little bit deeper. Um so we we, you know, we're talking about holding on to hurts and you know, letting go of those things and recognizing that it's, you know, seeing it for what it is. Um, one of my, I think half the battle, before I say that, let me say it this way. Half the battle when it comes to getting on the other side of learning your partner is self-awareness. We think that we need to get to know our person, but at the end of the day, and we should, we should, but I think we need to know ourselves a lot more than we do going into marriage, right? And so um, what helped you get to that place of self-awareness, um, you know, emotional honesty, you know, those kind of things. What can you uh like not necessarily pinpoint the date and time, but can you point the like that pivotal moment when you say, Oh shoot, it's me.
SPEAKER_00I can. Um we were at a business meeting, he and I, and the person and this guest speaker was talking about literally this communication. But it was really communication with your clients and everything else. And she was talking about being someone being structured and what they think, how they think, what they ask, someone who's being technical, action-driven, relationship driven. And both of us were you know, and the elbow, I was like, oh my gosh, that is so true. Yeah, and I I admitted finally I'm the issue. I'm the problem because I saw things one way and one way only, yeah. But he saw a different way. You know if there's anything I can say about McGill is he is easygoing to a certain extent. If the house ain't clean, it's like World War V. You know, because he's very OCD about that. Yeah. Other than that, don't disturb him during a Lakers game. But me, it was Did you hear me? Yeah. Wait, I don't want to repeat myself. Do you understand what I'm trying to say? And so, but at that moment I realized, wait, our marriage is gonna end sooner than it began if I'm not willing to change, if I'm not willing to have the conversations. And I think you said something on one of your Instagram posts. If you're both not willing to come to the table, how are you ever going to have a conversation? And that was one of our biggest things when we saw that we're like, we never come to the table together.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00You're there 30 minutes and I'm arriving 15 minutes after you've left. And that's when I realized I had to make the change. It wasn't anything about him. Gil is very easygoing. He's willing to concede, and I didn't want him to concede just because I couldn't get out of my head. Because I I couldn't understand how to become not stubborn. And so I really had to do a lot of soul searching. I really had to do just more than my regular journey. I had to pray on it, and that's the moment I said, Lord, I need help. Yes.
SPEAKER_01Yes.
SPEAKER_00You know, I know the tools on how to communicate. I just saw them. But I need to I need help on executing it. The minute I was able to ask God for help was the minute I said, Oh, I can get through this. And God plays such a pivotal person in my life that I I talk to him all the time. Gil laughs because I cannot sing worth anything. But you will hear me singing worship every place in the house. Yeah. Because that's just how I had the conversations. And I remember singing something, and he goes, Talking about me. And then I said, no, I'm not. I'm just asking God help.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And that's the really the moment I realized if I wasn't willing to have a conversation with God first, okay with the answers He gave me. Our marriage was doomed.
SPEAKER_03That is so on point. And we could probably stay there for a few moments because the thing is, we we we wrestle with having the conversation with God because we know that when we get in the presence of God, He is not gonna show us our spouse. He's gonna always show us our own heart. And when we get before God and we are complaining about my husband does this, my husband does that, Lord, don't you see him? Lord, did you see what he said? Did you hear what he said? And God is quickly to say, I see him because he is my son. However, let me deal with your heart because God is going to deal with our spouse in their season, in their time. But if God is making us self-aware, we cannot just ignore that. We cannot just walk away from that. And I know that one of the biggest challenges that we have as wives is we are afraid to actually sit down, look in the mirror, and not just look in the physical mirror, but look in that mirror of our soul and say, I should not have said that. I know when I said that, I was trying to hurt his feelings. I know when I said that, I was trying to get a reaction. I know when I said it that way, I was trying to pick a fight, or I was trying to, you know, there was that ulterior motive at the base or the core of the conversation that we had, or whatever it is that we were picking at. And if we're honest with ourselves, we will understand that wait a minute, maybe that's what's adding to the friction. Maybe that's what's adding to the discontent and the discomfort, you know, and the pain. And so that moment of self-awareness, that moment when we say, okay, I'm the problem. Then the next step, what are we gonna do about it? Am I actually going to start working on myself? Am I actually going to journal, you know, or am I gonna get around my friends that's gonna say, um, girl, don't let him talk to you like that. You don't have to put up with that. You make your own money, you do this. Well, you know, the thing is you can hang out with people that don't value marriage and hear that kind of thing, or you can swim upstream against the grain and come out on the other side of it with a marriage that is totally totally reflective of um of God and his son.
SPEAKER_00And Tony, you talked about hanging out with the wrong people. So Gil and I had a huge friends group through his work, but divorced. Husband was living in another country. She was mad that he wasn't coming home, cheated on. And I was like, if we keep hanging around them, we are going to become them. And not on them. The biggest thing that got me was I finally asked, Do you go to church? Yeah. Do you have a relationship with God? Because if you don't, I can't be around you. Because I've always had such a childlike faith. Everything God tells me I believe. Yeah. I never question it. Yeah. Now, if it was my mom, maybe I'd question it. Maybe I wouldn't believe it. But with God, through Him all I believe.
SPEAKER_01Yes.
SPEAKER_00And so I was telling you, you can't hang around them anymore. Because your thoughts are projecting into our marriage. Yeah. And my thoughts, when you know, and the craziest thing is when I knew it was when the husbands sat apart and the wives were in another room. And all I was hearing was, oh my gosh, so and so is just giving me a hard time about this, and nah nah nah nah. And here I'm like, I don't have anything to say.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Can't add to that. Mm-mm.
SPEAKER_01Nope.
SPEAKER_03And that's when they knew we had to leave.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03And the thing is, you know, my um my son was asking Rob and I recently, our youngest son, he's um Jordan is 32. And he was asking uh Rob and I if we have um, you know, like who's, you know, who's our like best friends and, you know, that kind of thing. And I said, technically, your dad is my best friend. And so, you know, Rob was having the conversation with him. And he said, Yeah, your your mom has always been um my best friend. That's the person that I feel safe with. That's the that's the person that I have those conversations with. You know, for Rob, it's more like um he found safety in me and he doesn't seek it anywhere else. You know, um, he's he's probably like Gill in this way as well. When he you get around um relationships or other people that are not aligned that way, it doesn't take him long to say, you know what, uh I'm out. We're not we're not even aligned. We're not even aligned. And yeah, okay, while I'm sitting there wrestling, like maybe they're supposed to learn something from me, or uh, Rob is like, mm-mm, you know, and so you know, there's a there's a scripture that says, I think it's in 1 Corinthians that says um in a in a nutshell, I'm probably gonna butcher the quote, but it says, um uh um bad company corrupts good character. You know, and so when we choose to hang around people that don't value marriage like you do, because see, the you are all you and I will always find someone that will um agree with whatever toxic belief we have. If I think that my husband is trashy, if I think that he should be bashed to, you know, you know, just name call or whatever, I can find a group of people that will agree with me because of their own experiences. And so if you want a good marriage, you want to hang out with people that have the marriage that you are looking for. Now, don't get me wrong, you're not gonna find, and I know, and I wouldn't say you should, find a marriage where you're gonna copy what they do, but you're gonna learn some things as in how we talk to each other, how we communicate, how the value we place on each other, how as spouses, how you hear them talk about each other when you when the other is not in the room. Yeah, pay attention to those kind of things. That way you can say, hey, even when she's not around, even when he's not around, there's a level of respect that's there, there's a love that's there, there's a care that's there, there's a value, you know, that's there. And so what would you say? Um, what would you say to that couple? Um, you know, and I'm and I know we're we're really targeting um the wives this season, but what would you say to that um young married person that is like, I don't know how I'm gonna get through this because, you know, I'm I get up every day and my feelings are hurt because of something he said or something he did. You know, what would you what would you say guide them on how to navigate that, especially the wives?
SPEAKER_00I honestly would say learn the art of conversation until you're willing to do the work. Because the work isn't changing him. Yes, the work is looking at yourself first, and that took me forever to understand. It's not like I walked into our marriage going, don't worry, I'm not gonna change you. Yeah, right. But the work is not in changing him, yeah. It is looking at yourself first, it is seeing who you are first, yeah. Because really, when they see you working on you, they begin to work on themselves. Yes. Yeah. Wholeheartedly, I believe in that.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03And and I be I believe that. I believe that if if nothing else, when we start working on ourselves, we start seeing them differently. Yes.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. I still see them differently. Having ridiculous fights with him. Especially when my daughter noticed at a younger age. Why are you yelling? Yeah, why am I yelling? Yeah, why are you yelling, Gigi? You know, I was like, why am I yelling at the most ridiculous things? And that's when I had the conversations with God. That's when I began to f look for the tools. And I think that's huge. Until you're ready to look for the tools to help you in your marriage. Yes. And not I said help you, not help we. Yeah. Because you can't help yourself, you can't help anyone, you can't help your spouse until you're willing to help yourself. Hundred percent. And that's when I realized you need to fix something. And I didn't even know what I needed to fix. I just knew something needed, sometimes even just tweaking. Yes. It wasn't like you had to completely rebuild yourself. A lot of times it was just a tweak here, a tweak there. But at the end, it was the conversations I had with God. It was the way I journaled. I no longer dear diaried it. Because a lot of times when you're writing to your diary, you're telling everything you want to say that you can't say out loud. So true. Yeah. And then I began to reflect. Especially if Gill and I have arguments still. I don't think we have arguments, is he and my daughter are the same person. But he loves her to a point where he doesn't want to reprimand her. So what he does is go, Well, your child or your child. Da da da da da. And I was like, wait, is it between us or between her? You can't bring me into this. You have to fix it somehow. And now they're finally at the age of 25 with my daughter, are finally starting to have the real conversation.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And that was a huge thing for us, is the conversations that we were having. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_03Oh my goodness.
SPEAKER_00That is so funny. We that is so funny.
SPEAKER_01Huh?
SPEAKER_00Number one, she's an adult. She's a full grown adult. Right. Right. Why are we why are we having this discussion? When it comes to her, I'm very easygoing. All I ask of is of two things. Let me know where you're going. Let me know when you arrive. He wants to know what her budget is. Da da da. She makes good money. It's time to let that go. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03At 25, yeah. Yeah. So he's finally learning. Yeah. And you know, as as parents, we uh we don't we really don't stop parenting, you know, especially us as um, you know, those of us with with adult children, you know. But I want to talk to I want to talk to the the wife that's been married between a year and five years. And I really want to um get their attention um because some of the resentments that we walk around with as wives is we have in our heads or our our idea of what marriage should look like. And I call it just a you know, the deceptions of wifehood, because we step into this role thinking, okay, we're gonna my husband is gonna have breakfast every morning, I'm gonna fix his lunch, I'm gonna have his dinner on the table by five, I'm gonna have laundry washed and folded and all of the things. And we get to that point and we realize, wait a minute, I can't get all of this done. And so we are stressed out, we are resentful because nobody is helping, and nobody for starters, nobody asks you to do any of those things, you know, nobody's asking you to do those. And on top of that, um, you know, you're you're you're um you have call-ins and gift-ins on the inside of you that God put in there from the beginning of time, right? And a lot of times we we operate from a position of resentment because those gifts are unable to come forward. And so I wanna uh look, I want us to talk a little bit about when you realize your calling, because I know you're getting ready to publish your journal. And um, when did you realize your calling? And did you have one of those moments where you're like, I am made for more than this?
SPEAKER_00In regards to I am made for this with my journal, is when I had Gil's blessing. Because things like authoring a or publishing a journal or authoring a book that can't be me on my own.
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_00I had to have his blessing. And the second thing was I couldn't come with expectations of him. I had to set the expectations for myself, and that's when I realized, oh this is it. When he told me, you do your thing, automatically I realized that I can do it.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00I think you know, earlier you were talking about the women in the first one to five years of their marriage. The biggest thing for me is uh I'll I'll say it over and over again. I told this to my cousin who just got married. Stop putting expectations on him and most definitely stop putting expectations on yourself. You don't not automatically snap your fingers and you are the perfect wife. You you you can't I because I know this because I did it. Right. And then all you know, I found that he loves to do laundry. That's his de stressor. And I said, yes. He cannot cook to save his life. And I was like, wait, what? You want me to cook your meals? I don't like to cook. I can cook, but I don't even like to cook. Yeah. But I realized you're not compromising who you are, you're compromising to make your marriage work. Yes. Okay, you're gonna clean the house, do the laundry, I can cook. Because it's a team. Yeah. Yeah. When people say marriage is a 50-50, no, it ain't. Nope. It is a hundred percent, hundred percent. If you're only giving fifty percent into your marriage, yeah, you're not going to last past that five years. Exactly. 100%.
SPEAKER_03I yep, I agree with that wholeheartedly. Absolutely. Absolutely. And we come to the table, or we come to the table of marriage as two individuals with gifts and callings and anointings and grace, all of the things that God has put on the inside of us. And that's why it's important that we marry someone that will align with our values, that way you can still live out your true calling, even as a wife. As a matter of fact, your marriage is supposed to enhance the gifts that you have on the inside of you, the gifts that God has placed in you and I. And I think sometimes, you know, the years will go by and we get to a point where wives are like, I am missing something. I'm going to go find myself. And the whole time, all of who you are is already there, you know, but allowing resentment and hurts and disappointments and unmet expectations and all of that stuff, allowing all of that to block out the call that God has on your life, that and that in and of itself will bring your marriage to a to a um you know to a halt. You know, as a team, there's the significance behind the woman taking the husband's name. It's not it's really not that deep, people. You know, it only signifies that we're on the same team. That's what it is. You know, team Keanu, team Williams, that's who we are. And so when we when we go into marriage and we have this mindset that it's me versus him, we have already lost because when I lose, he loses. When he wins, I win. You know, is one for the team. You know, so can you speak to that a little bit?
SPEAKER_00You know, when we talk about that, I did not recognize me as a whole, maybe until my fourth year of marriage. I thought it just became a piece of him, and we would, you know, glow and humble, you know, and just become one person. No, we ain't one person, we're two people, and we'll always be two people with two different personalities.
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_00But we can grow together. And that's what I didn't recognize until closer to my fourth year of marriage. And I didn't even settle into it until about my tenth year of marriage.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Because it was hard for me to learn that he is Gil and I am Gigi. Correct. But together we are Mr. and Mrs. Kihano. We are the team Kihano.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And because of that, all these things were like, wait, you want me to do this and you're gonna do that, and I can't do this, and you're gonna do that. Well, I can do it, I can do it. What do you mean you don't want me to do it? Or what do you mean you want me to do this? And then I was like, girl, shut up. You're setting such ridiculous uh timelines for yourself. Yeah, you're setting ridiculous rules for your household that the house will break. It doesn't it won't have a good enough foundation if you're going to keep nitpicking, if you're going to keep expecting of him. And I think that was the biggest thing is we expect of our spouse so much that when they start to expect of you, you're like, huh? That part, that part.
SPEAKER_03Hundred yes, yes. Because one of the questions that I ask um, you know, single people, you have a list of expectations for the person that you want to marry or the what you expect of your your marriage should look like. And I said, the first question is, are you showing up that way? Because if you are unable to show up that way, it is not fair to have that expectation of somebody else. You know, that need that I think a lot of times, you know, I spend time, you know, elaborating on that as it applies to each individual. But yeah, we have these expectations. And sometimes, oh my gosh, sometimes, Gigi, those expectations come from all. Types of crazy sources, like whether it's social media or TV, Hollywood, you know, all of these things where we don't even have access to the real lives of these people. We don't know what their real story is, you know? And so yeah, it it's always um, I'm always into that. And I'm no, I I hold people accountable with that.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. And you gotta stop comparing someone else's marriage to yours. Their story is talk about that. And I'm talking from example, you know. I I there was a couple in my life um that I felt had it all, he was doting, she was doing what was necessary. I I really almost called her the proper 31 woman.
SPEAKER_01Oh, wow.
SPEAKER_00I was like, dang. She was prayerful, she was everything, and the marriage dissolved.
SPEAKER_01Mmm.
SPEAKER_00And then I said, and I remember Gil going, You want that marriage? Because I don't want that marriage. And then I was like, wow. Never mind. Yeah. I'm not going to begin to compare our marriage to other marriages because I don't know the full story. I don't know the chapters between the book. I just see the cover and the shortened explanation of the book. Yes. But I don't know the pages, the chapters, the d going-ons. Exactly. You know, I just see a really pretty picture on the front of the book. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00So that's when I decided I'm stop. Then I began to surround myself with wives who not just not necessarily who I wanted to be, but who set examples of what I could continue to grow as. Exactly. Exactly. I'll give you an example. Gil does not like being in group settings unless he knows you. The minute I told him about a Greece trip, who's going? Right away, yeah. I don't have a problem. And I had asked them, I'm surprised, you really only know Gary. And he said, But I know the wives you're hanging out with.
SPEAKER_01Yes. Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00He straight up said, You're always happy with them. Whether you're going to an event with them, whether you're doing Bible study with them. I've never seen you leave it being oh no no. Yeah. So why wouldn't I be comfortable? Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And then that's when I said, I get it.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03The thing is with uh, you know, what that that saying that says um comparison is this is a thief of all joy. Because I remember, Gigi, we we got we got married in 1992. And by 1998, we bought our first house. And I was just ecstatic about my house. I was like, oh my gosh, we own, we we're actually homeowners, right? And so excited about it. And because it was a time in our life when I was transitioning out the military, and um at the time, my husband, the Godfaring man that he is, he says, we are going to buy a house. We're not gonna rent somebody else's um house or pay somebody else's mortgage. I didn't have the vision for it. I didn't see it, I didn't know how it was gonna happen because our finances surely was not finance in. So we were like, I said, okay. And but anyway, fast forward and we got our our house. It was about um, I think with a basement, I think it was about 1400 square foot, right? Love our little house. Until I went to some other church members' house, and their my house could fit into theirs about four or five times. And Gigi, I came back and I started looking, I was like, oh man. So how long we're gonna live in this one before we buy another.
SPEAKER_00We must have been on the same trajectory at the same time. Our house was 1,300 square feet. Yeah. I went to a house that was 6,000 square feet. Yeah. And now the one I went to was about 5,000. Yep. And it was funny because the state literally the same thing with me and my best friend. You know, we both had very small homes, and we we called each other neighbors because we insisted we were gonna be neighbors in these beautiful homes. We are now both in smaller places, yeah, more happy than I was ever in our second home that is about 3,500 square feet. And I was like, man, this comparing thing is just driving me nuts.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Because it will steal all the gratitude that we have, the, the, you know, the gratefulness, the, you know, the appreciation. And so we, you know, we have um, you know, and and I don't want to, I'm not bashing bashing our uh wives. Um, however, we there some some of the times us as wives, we put these these this heavy um expectation on our husbands, like, I, you know, so-and-so have that house. I want that house, I want that car, I want that bank account, I want that purse, I want this trip, I want this, I want, I want, I want. And they are sitting there like, okay, I want to make my wife happy. How do I do that? Do I need a second job? Do I need to go back to school? Do I need to sell this on the side? Do I, and all of these things instead of coming to the table and say, okay, honey, what is our uh, what is our plan? What is our goal? What is it, what is the vision for the marriage that we came to agreement on? And what's the timeline? What are we gonna do for the next five, 10, 15 years, you know, and start planning that future. But we we get so caught up in the in the things, you know, and that's part of the reason why a lot of couples do not have premarital coaching or any type of premarital work because the excitement is on the day not to build the marriage itself. And we have to take that time. We have to slow down, take the time to say, hey, is this the next step for me? Is this the person that I'm supposed to be spending the rest of my life with? And if so, what does it look like? What does the alignment look like? And so um I wanted to, I wanted to um have you, you know, close it out with any last minute um pointers that you want to give our audience, um, you know, our young wife that's listening.
SPEAKER_00I think the biggest thing is come to the marriage because you love each other, not because marriage is supposed to be some end goal. Come into the marriage because it's where you want to be, not where a book says when you reach a certain age you should be married. Right, right. But most of all, come into the marriage with God. He really becomes what binds you together, what holds you together. I don't know that Gil is a prayerful man. He goes to church every Sunday. But I think if it wasn't for me being invested in studying the Bible, being invested in having conversations with God. Every day in my journal it's a letter to God. It begins with dear God, and it's not even setting expectations for God, it's thank you. Yes, it's or it's move me into the direction I need to move. I wish I knew that. I wish there was a premarriage class that I could have taken. I think I would be a better person. I think we would have moved even further in our marriage than we are now. And if you ever have the opportunity to take something like a premarriage class, do it. And I'm not talking about the one a church does for four hours and asks you a few questions that are really ambiguous to begin with. That's not what I mean is find someone like yourself who will give you measurable goals to work with, who will allow you to recognize you are you, he is he, and you come together as a couple.
SPEAKER_01Yes. Yes.
SPEAKER_00Because until then, your marriage isn't going to move in the direction you want. I know firsthand that.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00If Bill and I didn't take the time to really read your workbook or go through and this isn't even a plug on you. It was if we didn't take the time to work on ourselves, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. I think we'd be if not divorced, I think we would have close to it. Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03And that's the that's the um, you know, sadly we we don't we there's no real way to communicate the importance of um premarital work, you know, because so many people, like you said, so many couples really believe that marriage is the destination when it's just a starting line. It's that it's that place where you start learning about who you are, it's that place that will challenge you. It challenges your thinking, it challenges your your your personality, the things that you said you hold dear, you know, that marriage will do that, you know. And so when we say, when we say, yes, I'm marrying the the the person of my dreams, what you have to be able to write that out. You have to be able to flesh that out and say, all right, because this is the person of my dreams. What exactly does that mean? You know, I love you. What does that mean? How do I want to be loved? What does that look like? When I feel loved, I experience this. All of those conversations need to be had ahead of time and being okay to say, you know what, this might not be the person that I should marry. I like you, we like each other, but deep down there's something that's missing there. Maybe this is not the right time, you know. But for the wife that is already in that marriage, it's yes, it will take some um, you know, some adjustment. There's nothing, um, there's nothing that is being built that doesn't require some cutting away, some reshaping, some sparks flying. The book of Isaiah, there's a scripture in Isaiah that says that iron sharpens iron. That's because, you know, anytime that you and I are forming something new, we're gonna chip away at some things, we're gonna cut away at some things so that it will become that new thing. And that's what marriage is two people coming together to create something that never existed before. And so I am so excited that I had you, you know, had the opportunity to sit down with you today. Good Lord, we've been talking for almost an hour. Wow. So good. Gigi, I want to say thank you. Thank you so much for being vulnerable with us today. Um, I hope at some point I get your hubby to come on with us and we can have a conversation. Because even though this this new season is focused on on just wives, we will pop in there, pop some couples in there every, you know, in between um in between episodes. So tell Gil he's not off the hook yet.
SPEAKER_00So you're being interviewed on the cruise with the margarita in hand. Right, exactly. Thank you for everything you do. I think more people need to not see. I think when people hear about a marriage podcast or a a wives podcast, it's um automatically, she's gonna try and change me. Whenever in reality, she's you're gonna set the framework and then you have to do the rest of the work. The wife of husband has to do the rest of the work. I uh someone who can guide people in marriage, they're just gonna guide you. It's not you gotta do the work.
SPEAKER_03Yes, you do have to come ready to do the work. You definitely do. Um, so all of Gigi's information will be in the show notes. And so again, I want to thank you so much for joining us on this episode of the State of Our Union and the Fight to Keep It. Have an amazing rest of your day. I'm so excited to for you guys to hear um, you know, to listen to the upcoming episodes. We have some really cool live schedule. So uh have a wonderful day and we'll talk soon. Thanks, Gigi. Bye bye.