The State of Our Union [And the fight to keep it]
A marriage podcast designed to encourage reconnection, through open dialogue about the topics that challenges most marriages.
The State of Our Union [And the fight to keep it]
Laugh, Listen, Love: The Real Secrets to a Strong Marriage | Gary & Monina Fernando
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Join us as Monina and Gary Fernando share their 33-year marriage journey, the challenges they've faced, and practical insights on maintaining a strong, connected relationship. Discover how humor, communication, and resilience have kept their union thriving through life's ups and downs.
Connect with Monina and Gary: https://www.instagram.com/monina_fernando/
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Thanks for tuning in! If today’s EP resonated with you, subscribe, like, and share it with someone who needs it. Connect with me on all platforms @karenwillcoach - and if you are ready to go deeper, join the community and continue the conversation inside my Facebook group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/loveandconflict" Until next time, let’s continue to fight for our union.
Hello, everybody. Once again, welcome to another episode of The State of Our Union and the Fight to Keep It. I am so excited to have my friends with me today, Gary and Monina Fernando. Say hi to the people, you guys. Hello.
SPEAKER_03Hello, people.
SPEAKER_00So as you all know, this podcast is all about helping that one couple that's been married for, you know, we always say three to five years. That's usually where it kind of gets a little sticky. But anybody that's married less than 10 years, so we always bring uh family and friends on who can help you through those really tough times and say, hey, this is how we got through it. That means you can do the same. So we know marriage is not uh it's not easy, but it should not be that hard. Two people can lift a couple a couch. I think Chris, that's a quote from Chris Rock. You know, he said marriage is only hard when you're doing it with the wrong person. And so we're here to just remind everyone that hey, if you have the right person in your life, we can do this together. So once again, welcome Monina and Gary. And we're gonna dive right in. But before we do that, please introduce yourself, tell folks what you do, and how you guys can help them.
SPEAKER_01Wow. Yeah, you're forced. You stay first.
SPEAKER_03Right. So hello everyone. My name is Monina. Um, what do we do? We actually do the same thing, but my background is in um nursing, but I transitioned to financial services. So I'm I'm a financial professional, focusing more on because this business is a partnership. I focus more on the long-term care part of um, you know, the finances. So yeah, and the marketing piece. I think I'm the marketing uh of our business. You're the marketing guru.
SPEAKER_01Yes, yeah. Well, actually, I came from the accounting background, and then eventually Munina and I joined and started a business uh where we help other families. Um, in addition, I actually had I started up my own business, uh, a fractional CFO advisor uh last week. Uh, more on because of my background in the uh the corporate financial um analysis. Analysis. So I've added that, that actually helps other clients um in terms of if they're lost or anything like that. I can give them my two cents.
SPEAKER_00Yes, yes, and we all need your two cents because we all need help with our monies. Um and of course, you guys have been married.
SPEAKER_01Tell us how long 32 years.
SPEAKER_0032 years.
SPEAKER_03This year it's gonna be 32, yes.
SPEAKER_00All right, so listen to that, people. They've been married 32 years and they work together all day long.
SPEAKER_03Yes, yes. Okay, so I made a mistake. We're gonna be 33 years this year.
SPEAKER_00This year, yeah, this year, okay. Yes, yeah, that's amazing. Um, and I know uh um I always say, you know, being married for especially for for those that number of years, our marriage goes through seasons, it goes through ebbs and flow. Um, and it's not just about the years on the calendar, but the quality of those um, you know, three decades, three plus decades, really. Um, you know, and and again, it's uh it's not about counting those years on the calendar, is what does it actually look like? What are we, how are we doing, what are we doing to stay um, you know, connected, still have fun with each other. And I know you you guys mentioned uh when we did the podcast application, you said one of the main things that keep you guys um you know grounded and keep you guys going for all the years is the humor. And I know that for a fact because I've I spent time with you guys. So I know humor is a big thing, but I wanted to go into our first question today. Uh, what was one real challenge? We'll start off with the serious stuff. What was one real challenge your relationship faced, and how did you guys get through it? Tell us about that, and of course, walk us through how you guys got got to the other side of it.
SPEAKER_02You can start.
SPEAKER_03He always starts, okay. I'll always ladies first, but um challenges, the real challenge. Okay, there's a lot of challenges since we've been married for 33 years. Actually, we've been together for what 30, I would say 39 years. Wow. Right. So there's a lot of challenges, but I think um the one thing that stands out for me is really um, you know, both of us through our lives when we started our marriage, we both are growing, right? And there's always that time where you probably don't understand each other because you're growing individually. Absolutely. Yeah, so my challenge our challenge was actually relearning um each other's, you know, characteristics, quirks, and all that um through the years. And um it is challenging because for those many years, you know, you would think that you know each other very well, but not really, but not really, because over the years, both of us have evolved and changed, and you know, our careers have changed, our priorities have changed. Right? That's all that's what one real challenge.
SPEAKER_01There's again, Marina said there's a lot of challenges. I think the one real challenge in terms of when we were starting in our in our marriage, I think because that's what you're focusing on in this podcast, is more on the time between work, your career, and we started our family early. As soon as we got um we got married, we all already have children. So the challenge there is setting the boundaries in terms of time with our ourselves. We were we were still growing, we're still learning about each other. Uh, and then also we have to take care of the kids at the same time. Um, and how did we go through it? Actually, through our family, my Monina's uh mom actually helped us in terms of taking care of our our firstborn. So that actually helped relieved us from that pressure of trying to do everything by ourselves. So we were very, very fortunate that to that we have that.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. I was having that conversation with another couple that was on here a couple weeks ago, too, and the importance of your family of origin. Um, a lot of us think that once we get married, we abandon our family of origin, and we're just it's just me and my spouse against the world. But we really need our family of origin, especially when it's a healthy connection. I get it. There's there's family of origin that are unhealthy. We all know that. But when they're, you know, when there's healthy boundaries and they show up and they're there to pour into our lives, that is really, really important. And you mentioned just the challenge of staying together. So you guys had to make some decisions about how to intentionally connect with each other, you know, call grandma to come get the kids, and just stop for a second and actually look at each other for a minute and reconnect. And, you know, so what were some of those um uh like date nights? What in the in those early years? What are some of those date nights that you guys were, you know, and I'm just saying date nights, but what were some of the things that you guys did intentionally to stay connected?
SPEAKER_01I think for the most part, again, because we started with a family already, so we make sure that I think from time to time we go out. I don't even remember 30 plus years ago, I don't remember, but we do go, we went out went out. But I think also we went out with our k with our children.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Uh and the kids. Again, again, for my myself, I I came from there's seven of us. Uh we we've I've never experienced going out with my parents, usually because it's a lot of us. So I make sure that when we have our own family, that our kids, even though they're not she's God, Munina, and then kids, that's not the way I prioritize things. I want to make sure that the kids are involved also.
SPEAKER_03So yeah, and I think at that time it was always about the kids. Uh yeah, like I said, we had uh Jason, our eldest, right away, honeymoon baby. So we really didn't have time to spend alone together after marriage. So yeah, we would have those, you know, little short dinners when when my mom would is because my at that time my mom was also um working, right? Um so when my mom has time, we'll we'll leave Jason behind and we'll go out and just have a simple dinner together. And you know, I think at that time it was enough. That was that was enough for us.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, that 30 at that 30 minutes or an hour, that's very precious.
SPEAKER_00It's like, okay, babe, we have 30 minutes to eat and connect and talk, and we're out.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yes, yes, yes.
SPEAKER_00Definitely, yes, yeah. And so, you know, so it'll be moving through that phase where the kids are there, you're caring for them, and we're going along the decades, and you get to a point where, okay, so the kids are okay now. They are, you know, they can they can feed themselves, they're not gonna burn the house down intentionally. Um, but then there's you too. There's this person sitting next to me that I'm saying, okay, we're not just parents. At what point did you get to that realization that, oh, this isn't my girlfriend, this is my boyfriend, this is my partner, this is my lover, this is my friend. At what point did that happen for you guys? Because I know that that happens because you wouldn't be still together to this point. So tell me, describe to us a you know, again, because the challenges are different in every decade. You know, we have the kids challenge. So at this point, when the kids are, you know, more mature and now you can somewhat focus on each other, just focusing on your relationship. Tell us a little bit about what that looked like and how you, you know, once what's how was how did that realization come about?
SPEAKER_03So it came after 27 years.
SPEAKER_01I think I I if we if I go back, okay, I if I go back, I'm I'm looking at the times that we from the beginning until today, um, well, before our start of business, um, I can see where we have friends that are in the same category, the same with you know, they're growing they're actually have their own kids. So we associated ourselves with those friends that it's kind of hard to for example, if you have a family, it's hard to hang out with single individuals.
SPEAKER_00Correct, correct.
SPEAKER_01So we found friends that are actually the same category, same situation. And it's not just when we were younger, as as time goes by, you know, our kids went to play baseball, basketball. So we have circles of friends that we can identify and we can actually connect. So that's actually that, and then after you know, we leave them with our coach, and then all the couples we go out, and then we tell the coach, what time can we come back? Right, and then we come back. So we have a pre-babysitter during games. So we that's where we grew. I think that's where we grew in terms of um those are our date nights with other.
SPEAKER_00But that that's even so creative because a lot of times I hear a couple say, Well, the kids have this going on and we don't have time. And but you were making use of every moment that you guys got together.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, we actually we take advantage of the situation. If there's an opportunity to go out, I actually, I mean, for example, like when my kids were in baseball, uh, I make sure that I talk to all the parents, say, hey, where are we going after the game? Where are we seriously? And then um, and then from there, we were excited for the game to end.
SPEAKER_03Because baseball games are long, they're like they are.
SPEAKER_01Uh, yes, so they are.
SPEAKER_00They are, they sure are. Um now I wanna I want to ask you a um a slightly deeper question, um, you know, fast forward a little bit, you know, to you know, with you guys, and I know um, but for this question, I want you to, you know, explore it as much as you want or talk about it as little as you want. Again, this is a comfortable environment, but we want to be as authentic as possible. Um, one of the challenges that I know uh Monina, I know you shared at our conference in January. Um, for those of you that didn't know, Monina and I had the opportunity to share the stage at the Hei Boo Conf women's conference in January. Uh, yes, and we were the hype woman, but that's for another podcast.
SPEAKER_02Y'all ain't ready.
SPEAKER_00Yes, y'all ain't ready. But one of the things that she shared in her talk was the challenge of losing you guys' income. Now, that is a real challenge. That is a challenge that a lot of couples have, you know, financially. And we saw during COVID where a lot of marriages ended as a result. Share as much as you want about that um that uh period of time in you guys' life, and of course, give us some, you know, some ways that we can help that one couple get on the other side of that, and then describe the type of resilience that it takes to get to that type of that to that level.
SPEAKER_03I'll start. Okay.
SPEAKER_01No, mine will be longer.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. So that all started. Um you know, I had a business. I had my own business, and my that business um was I had it for more than 16 years. Um, and then I decided to sell it. And when I told Gary that I want to sell it, he was all for it. He was he didn't even think about okay, if you sell it, then what's next? What's our what are we gonna do for income? Right. Because he was that he was confident that we were gonna be okay. Um, and I'm like, okay, he's gonna take care of me. I'm not, I don't have to worry about it. Well, unfortunately, during COVID, he got laid off, so both of our uh income disappeared. Uh fortunately, we are already in the business. So um, between the two of us, actually, Gary is the one who's very um, he always looks at the silver lining, he's always a positive one. Like if you're drowning and thinking of all these bad things, he's the one who's gonna just pick you up and slap you in the face and tell you, wake up, woman, we're gonna be okay.
SPEAKER_01Wait, how we can do this. Wait, why do you say women woman?
SPEAKER_03Me, me. Oh, okay, okay. You're slapping me, waking me up. Okay, but that's how he was, and yeah, you know, even though, and that's why when he when he got laid off, I wasn't the one he called first, actually, because he knew that I was gonna get upset, I was gonna cry, I was gonna talk about all these negative things. What are we gonna do? Where are we gonna get money? All that he he talked to our um ex-mentor. Yeah, so um yeah, so with that, we just kept going. We decided the business really works for us. We've seen examples of success, and what's great about that is we found more time with each other. So, you know, when you asked the other question earlier about um the turning point too, it's also that because then we kind of rediscovered each other. Yeah. Because before that, we were both busy with you know our my business, his job, the kids, and we would only have those little moments together. But now it's like 24-7.
SPEAKER_00So yeah, that was a believe it or not, that was the really the cool thing about COVID for for Rob and I. Uh, because Rob was home for a year and a half um during that season. Um and you know, I'm telling you to to back up a little bit, you know, I would say to any couple, when you hear God telling you to save, you hear God telling you to put away something, you hear him say, don't spend money on that thing, you really gotta listen because he knows what's coming down the pike, he knows what's coming down the future. I could never have anticipated a pandemic. What is what is what is that even what is that? What is a worldwide pandemic or global pandemic, whatever? And you know, in that season, you know, there of course there was no financial worries for us because again, God was constantly telling us how where to put our money, what to do, you know, and all those things. And being home for a year and a half, it was more of oh, geez, what are we gonna do today? Are we gonna hike? We're gonna walk, we're gonna go for coffee, uh, you know, what are we doing? You know, we're coming up with different bait ideas, but again, it was evident of the foundation that you guys had built prior to that, you know. So, Gary, share with us um how all of that affected you, you know. Um, and I know there's, you know, especially from the man's perspective. I'm not saying that you are that type of dude, but you know, there's a lot of guys that are like, I can't even come home and tell my wife I lost my job. How am I gonna even have that conversation? She's looking to me as the provider. Um, you know, a lot of a lot of men, their identities are wrapped in what they do versus, you know, who God says they are. And so even in that season, tell us a little bit about how you do that, how you did that, and what that resilience looked like, and see if you can share, you know, like a pointer with that one young husband that's still trying to figure that out.
SPEAKER_01Okay. Um, I would say if I always look at, you know, back I was still at 2020. It was 2020. I'm I'm looking at 2020. And I already knew I didn't know that pandemic's gonna happen, but I I already knew that there's always a bad side and a good side in terms of the market, the economy. I and how and I because I've this I've been our mentor has been teaching us and talking about this. Um and to you know, remember to 2008. Remember Y2K. So all the stuff, all the stuff I went through uh when I was uh uh an employee, but I never realized how that was a um a sign. But I didn't I was not looking for the sign. Why? Because I have this steady income coming in in 2000. Yeah, Y2K I was making money. So it was not me. I was the actually, unfortunately, I was the one people who are laying off during that time. So for me, I'm looking, hey, it's not gonna happen to me until I hit 50 years old. Okay, this is before pandemic, and I knew that eventually it's gonna come back. So during that time, I already knew that it's just a matter of time that's gonna come back. So I prepared myself that um eventually I'll be the one getting those, you know, what they call it, ping slip, whatever, right? Yeah, so I prepared everything, and that was my conversation with my my mentor before. I said, hey, if something happens to me, um what should I do? And he basically put a lot of emphasis of hey, put your head down and do the business, and you won't ever, ever, ever look for a job. Yeah, and and because of because of but how he how much he instilled on me. Uh again, I was not making any money at that time because I was doing part-time. Uh so it's just a switch. As soon as I get laid off, he just said, Congratulations now, Gary. You're now an entrepreneur.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. You now own early.
SPEAKER_01That's it. So again, from there, say it's it's your call, it's the it's you're the driver now. So for me, in terms of moving forward, I knew if If I teach can teach people that be the driver of your life, your relationship with God's help, yes, you're going to of course there's going to be bumps and bruises along the way, but you just trust and it's going to happen.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Yeah. That's so that's so good. Because a lot of times we we are relying on we're relying on the work to always be there instead of tapping into the gifts that God has already put on the inside of us because that's where our true identity is.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Yes.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Yeah. All right. So if what would you say between or among money, communication, intimacy, and expectations? Which which one of those areas would you say stretched you the most early on in your relationship? And if it's not one of those, add your own.
SPEAKER_01What did I say?
SPEAKER_03For me, it's expectations because you know when you when you get married, you expect all these things, you know, my night in shining armor. Yeah, it's gonna take care of me. And you know, it's gonna be perfect because we were in love. When you're young, you think you're in love and everything's gonna be fine, right? Yeah, uh, you expect so many things, but but of course, if it doesn't happen, you know, you get disappointed, and you know, and sometimes you do when you get married, you do set up your set your expectations higher than when you were just dating, right? Of course, of course, right? But uh I did. That's that's what actually stretched me is the expectation because of course I expected more from Gary. I expected better communication, better uh the way he would take care of me, the way he would take care of the kids. And I'm not saying that he did not, right? But at that moment, it was an expectation. So yeah.
SPEAKER_00Can I let me so let me uh there's a follow-up question here for you then? Um what would you say um the challenge in that expectation? How much of that did you actually communicate to them?
SPEAKER_01That's a good question. Excellent question.
SPEAKER_03Yes, that's an excellent question because I didn't. And actually, that's that's the lesson learned there. Yeah, it's to to be um to communicate early on. Um yeah, communicate. You know, it's funny because when we were whenever someone asks us even before this business, when we were um, you know, uh 20, 30 years in marriage, um, someone would ask us what's the secret, right? What's a secret in a uh long-term marriage? And I always say it's communication, not talking to each other, but not communication by talking to each other, it's communication when you don't talk to each other. Yeah, and that was how we were in in the beginning, especially because I was working, he was working, we have the kids. So we just talk about everything about the kids, who's gonna pick up the kid, who's gonna who's gonna feed them, right? So communication was uh a big part of it, and that's why that's something that I I learned is to make sure you know how to um tell your partner what you're actually expecting. Yes, not that you're gonna be manned, but you have to really um express, express yourself.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, express you, which uh what I'm understanding you're saying there is having the capability to express your needs, be able to express the wants that you have, the desires that you have, what you expect of your partner, because I guess again, I'm finding out more and more that men are not mind readers. I don't know why they're not, but they're not. We're learning that they're not mind readers, and then also is um you know, we have these expectations that we for whatever reason, we read them in a book somewhere, we saw it on a movie somewhere, and we just figured I should know what to do, you know. So Gary, help me on the help help me and the audience understand what was happening for you during this season when you were practicing mind reading.
SPEAKER_01You know, I'm the kind of person I like the the initials K-I-S-S, keep it simple. So I'm the kind of person I I make everything simple. Uh but of course she's the she complicates everything. So uh again, the the expectation, all that stuff. Um you know, I always say I don't know what you're asking, whatever, right? So that's part, I mean you're right. Um men think differently than women. Um and and the faster both sides, the faster you you actually admit that, the faster you can grow and move to the next level. Unfortunately, sometimes it takes years for you to and unfortunately, sometimes it happens after they split up or having uh having a divorce. Yeah, because they they don't learn each other from each other.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um and it's so funny. I was um I was actually at a um um I was playing pickleball this morning with a um bunch of other um business women, and so we were having that same conversation around relationship, and uh, someone was just sharing about their their own divorce and some of the challenges that they faced, you know, initially. And that's that's been a part of it. That's been a uh a constant, I should say, in marriages that have ended. You know, we didn't communicate well, we had these expectations that we never shared with each other. Um, and then the other person is unwilling to bend after a certain amount of time because it's like, hey, this is this is just how I feel. And we have a way of when we hear information, we internalize it instead of just hearing what our partner is saying. You know, because if I said to Rob that, hey, I I don't like um I don't like the way you leave your clothes on the floor. Well, you know, that's just an example because my husband does not leave anything on the floor. That would be me. But you know, he's the orderly one. But if I share with him something that I'm being challenged with, um automatically what we end up doing is we internalize all of that information. Oh, so you don't like me, or you're you know, you have a problem with me leaving my clothes on the floor. It's it's never about that. It's the actual situation. You know, no, just pick your clothes up off the floor. Sometimes it's just that simple, you know. But our a lot of, you know, of course, we enter relationships a lot of times with all of the baggage from, and uh, you know, baggage is just a you know, lack of a better term, but we bring all of our experiences into our marriage relationships from other relationships, from our our upbringing, and all of those things. And you know, you're like us, we we didn't have a model, we didn't have an example of what a healthy marriage looked like. So we're just out here winging it, you know, and we figure sometimes if we can just, you know, say what we want and you know, with the intention of just all we want is the person to get, you know, just get them to do what we want them to do, you know, and sometimes that it doesn't that doesn't work well. It doesn't work well because now we're, you know, like you mentioned earlier, we're more demanding than communicating what our needs are.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And so we have we have to kind of keep that um keep that in mind. But what is one, what would you say is one practical change that you guys made that helped you get to that um on the other side of that.
SPEAKER_03You want to share? Because I think he's more patient than I am.
SPEAKER_01I'm very patient that I'm gonna let you answer the question.
SPEAKER_03I think so. I think it's more of really just listening. Yeah um listening to each other. It's funny you brought you brought up that um you know that they don't that we don't understand, you know, men don't understand sometimes, and you bringing up the clothes. Um until now, I think. You know, I have a way of folding clothes um or the laundry. I just had to put this in there. I have a way of folding clothes, and I always tell him there's a reason why you fold clothes so that when you you know when you take them, they're not wrinkled or anything, right? Right. So I would fold oh, because he does the laundry most of the time. He likes doing laundry, so he folds clothes, but then he finds my he finds me refolding, refolding my own clothes. So what does he do? Now he leaves my he folds his own clothes and he leaves my clothes. And he said, Why why did you leave my clothes? How come my clothes are not folded? Well, you're gonna unfold them anyway and then fold them again, so I just leave them there. So that's the communication part of it, yes. And I can't argue, I can't argue with that because he's right. Exactly, exactly.
SPEAKER_00So the thing is, you know, for me, I just want I just want the task done. I don't care how Rob does it, you know. Now I will do when you you know talk about the topic of laundry. I will do I will do the laundry, but he does the towels, right? So he'll do the towels, and then he has a way of folding the towels, and sometimes I look and I'm just like, nope, not unfolding and put them all away. Because you know, when it comes to towels, they stack, so you have to fold them a certain way so they stack well. But I'm looking at linen closet, I'm like, mm-mm, nope, mm-mm, not touching it.
SPEAKER_03You just have to stay in your lane exactly so that there's no argument. So I think that's that's one thing that we develop, you know. Um we kind of did that, then we understand each other.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_00And and as you know, we I know we're using simple, simple tasks, but this is this is what goes deeper. Um, we all have roles in our in our relationship that um you do so well and I do so well, and it's okay for me to do this over here. It's not about making them feeling less than it's just, hey, these are my strengths. So I'll be over here doing the strength thing that I do, and you're over there doing the strength thing that you do, and we make it come together. Because I always say, whatever it is that is not hurting the marriage itself, it's just preference. The rest of it is just preference. Don't allow your preferences to break your marriage. You know, that's you know, how you load the dishwasher, that's a preference. How you fold clothes, that's a preference. Don't get your feelings hurt over preferences, you know what I mean?
SPEAKER_01Can we keep the toilet sheet up?
SPEAKER_00No, get you another bathroom.
SPEAKER_03Because you know, this is something that this is something that we we learned, and actually we're we're still learning again as we evolve and change and we go to the next level of our relationship, um, it's something that we have to kind of relearn because when we um, you know, talking about our our our past, we're both like uh bosses in our own, right? So he was the boss in his company and I was the boss in my company. Although I I think that um I thought that I was better because I owned my company and he was an employee. Right. But so when when we gave all that up and we started our business, and our business is really in leadership, we had to kind of sit down and really talk about our roles in the business because because we both have that uh the strength of you know being being the leader or being the boss or managing. So one of us had to, you know, kind of relax a little bit. Nobody had to submit. Yeah, yeah. And uh and then one of us has to had to um pick up a little bit and you know, go for it.
SPEAKER_00So and and it's because it's important to understand that even though um you know you may run a household with both both of you are decision makers, you want to be able to say, hey, these are your strengths over here. This is what you do over here. It doesn't affect your identity in any way, shape, or form. You know, and I think that's a lot of times that's where the challenge is because I saw a couple doing an interview. Um, this is show on Netflix, and I don't think it's not an interview. It was a um it's a reality show centered around therapy work. And one of the things that the husband was saying is how much he feels less than a man because the wife made more money than he does. I think I know what that show is Yeah, I just saw it launched on Netflix. I haven't watched a full episode yet. I said I do eventually want to check it out, you know, and I know it's a reality show, some of it is scripted, but these are true, real, true challenges that couples have. It's you know, in this house, it's again, because we've been married 33 plus years. There are seasons. There was a season when I was the breadwinner, there was a season when Rob was the breadwinner, there's a season when I was a stay-at-home mom. I just ran the house, you know, and there's another season when, yeah, I was going to work, especially during the COVID season. I was going to work, Rob was staying home. Again, I was a breadwinner during that season. So the thing is, once you come together as a husband and wife, and you say, This is the marriage that we're going to create, there has to be a vision that is set forth before both of you that you said everything we do is towards that vision.
unknownYes.
SPEAKER_00I don't care if you're the one making more money. I don't care if you're the one um making all of the decisions, whatever it is, we all we both have to be on the same page when we're talking about that um that vision. And it has to be communicated with um, you know, between each other. And I think there's a sometimes there's a loss of um, you know, we we put our identities, we wrap our identities in in these things and in these roles. And when things happen and those roles change, we suddenly don't know what to do because hey, we had no idea who we who we were prior to that incident. Yes.
SPEAKER_03You kind of lose you you kind of lose yourself in the world.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm I because I want, if nothing else, for people to walk away with the um you know, with the realization that your marriage your marriage is is it's it's a it's a union of it in and of itself. It's its own uh organism, and God is just inviting you and I to participate. We have to be able to see it that way. You know what I mean? It's not just you know how you know you're showing up, you're showing up, and we're doing things. You know what I mean? I know we can beat that one, we can beat that topic to death. But uh give me one one thing, one idea that you um I know you guys have talked to many couples over the years you guys have been married. Again, people always ask you how you got to this point. But for couples that's been married less than 10 years, or even the you know, some of the newlyweds that you guys encounter, what is the say the top three, or among the top three that you see um struggles that you see I'm struggling with? You just want to jump in there and be like, listen. But what would you say is one of those top top struggles that those uh younger couples deal with?
SPEAKER_01Hmm. I would say I think for cup young couples, I believe um number one, accepting the roles that they have. Uh number two, again, it more more on the money side, meaning on the financial side. Um and and again, they they look at um the the husband should provide, uh, but nowadays you can see women are making more money, and actually they have more opportunity than the men, especially as they get older. I mean, at that age where it everything is really uh up up for grab. Um but when it comes to a young couple, I mean, I guess just had a client today where five kids, five kids just bought a house, um she's 32, married to a 35 year old. Um again, for them, they have a business, uh a wife is two jobs, and that's my question. I said, you you know, you have five kids. And I can I mean we have two kids, it is a struggle, but for with five kids, um, so my question to her is why I already know the answer, but why do you have two jobs? So I have to support, I have to add income to the family. So again, I said, is that the only place that you can have an income? So always I always look at there's opportunity out there. Uh, you know, you don't have to be a YouTuber, you don't have to go to TikTok, right? But there's other opportunities there. So my conversation with her is more on realization that hey, you want to sp I want you to spend more time with your kids. I don't want you to have the experience of working 16 hours, your your your your husband working eight hours, and then you have five kids. Uh whether what five kids, one kid, when you're starting, people struggle in the beginning. I think more on they don't have a understanding that there's other opportunities out there that you can buy back your time.
SPEAKER_00Yes, yes.
SPEAKER_01And and actually, I mean you started a family, it's your responsibility to spend time with your family, not spend time with your boss, right?
SPEAKER_00Exactly, exactly. Most of us bosses, they're they are spending time with their family. Trust me, they are. Oh yeah, they're spending time with their family. Yes, yeah.
SPEAKER_03And uh, Manina, what would you add to that? So I wanted to add, um, you know, like if you're if there's an argument, if you know, if you're early early on in the marriage, if there's an argument, I think instead of um, you know, like yelling at each other or saying bad things to each other, instead of doing that, to just really take a pause and think about what you're gonna say first. Because if you say something that's hurtful, you know, you cannot take that back. Yes. And yes, they your spouse may accept it at that time, but over time, if you do it over, if you got used to it and you do it over and over again, yeah, down the road, it's not gonna be healthy, healthy for you. I mean, you know, of course, we uh we endured that. Um, I don't think we we said hurtful things um between the two of us, but you know, there's arguments when you yell at each other and you don't want to talk to each other, you know, you don't want to be in the same room. But we have we have to be careful. And at this stage in our marriage, I think there's also um things or things that's not really worth um fighting about.
SPEAKER_00about but and about absolutely like it's not something that you you want to destroy your marriage for for it so there's uh compromising you know compromising yes yeah like I was saying earlier about you know the the um if it's just a preference of thing it's not worth the time it's not worth the argument you know um and and it's so important to know like you said knowing when to take that pause when to slow down and say okay what I'm about to say is that really necessary or do I just want to be right is it just feeding my own ego you know to you know just shut this down because I I meet couples that will and they admit that they say harmful things with a you know just uh basically to shut the other person down because you know when those hard words hit that's usually it's usually met with silence because for one you your your brain is literally trying to process why is this person that said they love me is talking to me this way that's really why you shut down your brain that's what you call that physiological response to what's being said to you and the the name calling and the harsh words like you said they break you more than the physical harm. They really do. And it over time it does all it does is eat away at your partner it eats away at your union it eats away at your relationship and I know sometimes we we use those words because we we just lack the mental bandwidth to even have those hard conversations. I I I still know that and what is it that's another podcast um but yes oh my goodness the time our time is almost here but one last question um just give the audience one practical tool or habit that you guys have and continue to practice to keep your relationship fresh keep it going and you know hey here we are still excited about each other after 33 years actually just like what we said it's the humor keep the humor um you know there he he's the one who's always sometimes it's gross humor but you know it makes me laugh and smile and it lessens the stress so it works but the other um oh the other thing that I wanted to say was you know when you're early on in your marriage you really need to you really need to pay attention and you have to get used to what do you want your marriage to be um in the long run.
SPEAKER_03Because if you start a marriage with really a bad you know like you yell at each other or you say bad things about each other if you start with that that's gonna carry on through through all the years. But if you start with something you know positive and you carry that through because it's a habit already that you formed then the marriage will last. But one thing that um another thing that I wanted to say was don't forget to compliment your partners yes please yes please and express gratitude because that's really um I that's one thing that I've I've really learned. I I know that I don't express it enough but um you know sometimes all I do is criticize and and again if you start your marriage with criticism it's not it's not good. So now if you're when you're starting your marriage you practice that now so that in the long run it's a it's a high habit that will um you know for you to keep the marriage alive.
SPEAKER_00Alive yes I forgot the question I was paying attention to Monina and and that's that's okay that's what the listening is all about. But um that's you know a tip that you would share that's um kept you guys fresh all these years.
SPEAKER_01I think this one one thing I've learned um like the last like seven years ago when we started business is learning how your your spouse how their personality I think that's very very key to me because growing up I have no idea I mean I didn't know why Monina's up always upset uh it's because it's it's coming I was the one I was the the trigger effect I I didn't know that but again because I've I've learned um how she's kind of a relationship so that's where I learned and I'm a technical person so I learned how to talk to her in her what she understands my language her language in her language yeah and again growing up with especially people who are you know brand five ten years in a marriage uh they tend to overpower the spouse based on their personality and that is not very good so if they learn they I I my my my husband is very technical so I'll talk more about you know technical stuff and I'll I'll pay attention right uh and then the next thing you know you ask for hey can I can I buy a purse so something like that. Uh the number but but again I think learning about your your spouse makes a big difference and learning also how to listen more. A part of the communication that I've I'm I've seen I've been hearing communication communication but I think if you listen more than replying you're gonna be you're gonna be you're gonna go one step ahead of a you will survive that year and then next thing you know you're celebrating your 25th wedding anniversary.
SPEAKER_00Exactly yeah exactly it's yeah uh that's how what you say that's how you build one year at a time nobody gets married I always say nobody gets married to get divorced that was never the plan for anybody even if you are you know you feel like you're on the way to divorce that was not the plan from the jump start so we want to keep that in mind that yes as you are growing in your relationship is you know paying attention to each other spend the time learning take for one stop internalizing everything everything is not about you even you know one of my issues back in the day was Rob's face Rob has this resting face sometimes that just like okay he's mad about something and if he's mad about something it gotta be about me mind you this man is not even thinking about me sometimes it's he's simply sitting there what are you thinking about nothing and I've learned that guys know how to think about nothing. Mind you we don't know how to do that as girls we do not know how to think about nothing. There's always something going on up there. But for them they have the gift from God to think about nothing you know and I call it a gift because I wish some days I wish I could and another reminder is um I I read a book recently um by John and Julie Gottman from the the um the Love Lab they they have a whole marriage and relationship center in um Seattle Washington and uh I had the opportunity to be on one of their webinars um you know about a year ago when they released their latest book called you know Fight Right basically how to how to fight well with each other and one of the things that came out from that book for me that stood out has always been for every negative impact for every negative experience that you have with your partner you have to top that with five positives because it takes five positives to actually get rid of that one negative so if we're constantly negative behavior saying negative things you know you have a lot of work to get done and it can seem overwhelming but you start where you are you know start with the gratitude and if you've never told your partner thank you the first thing you say it's probably gonna catch them off guard but you keep doing it it's practice you do it you you know what I say you keep doing it over and over and over and over again until it becomes a practical part of who you are. Yep so yeah and I and I love I love I love love I love marriage and I am so excited to for everyone to hear this episode because we had some really good conversation but I don't want to keep you guys all here all day wish I could but you know there's apparently there's work and life and all the things but I just want to say thank you both so very much for sitting down with me here on the state of our union and the fight to keep it have an amazing day to both of you and we'll talk soon. Thank you for inviting us thank you of course bye